How to Get Thrown Out of a Club
Going out tonight? MOLLIE WINTLE instructs you on the finely honed craft of getting kicked out of a club.
We’ve all been there. Your average night in Cindies. My Heart Will Go On has just gone on, and you find yourself nowhere near drunk enough to pretend to be a boat. All your friends have disappeared and while it’s always nice to have a bit of you-time, there’s only so many stars you can reach for by yourself.
There’s only one way to save this night. And that’s to get yourself kicked out.
Exam season is coming to a close, and yet some challenges remain. A tricky business at the best of times, thanks to the dim cocoon of revision, the art has run the risk of being neglected or (whisper it) forgotten. So with the help of Cambridge’s most skilled and practiced students, The Tab has stepped in to provide a fail-proof non-violent guide to getting yourself kicked out of the club.
Make Yourself a Drink
Go behind the bar, and start making yourself a drink. The barman will like this, particularly as this is Forbidden Territory and he’s been working a long shift serving teenagers jaeger bombs all night, having achieved a license for such a privilege. Remember to go for the most expensive liquors you can find.
If The Princess Diaries has taught us anything, it’s that the brave may not live forever, but the cautious don’t live at all. The barman will admire your initiative and, with any luck, will reward you by swiftly escorting you out of the venue. My friend was told that she was ‘an outrageous mug’ for doing this – one day that could be you.
Pretend to Be the Bouncer
Start by dressing yourself in the official garb of a security man. If you’re a diminutive girl, you might think this is not for you. You would be wrong. Katie Moore will be forever remembered for pulling this exact stunt.
That small thrill of power which comes from having a black t shirt and a stamp is second to none. The bonus of knowing you could be found out at any moment makes the experience unforgettable. So many people go wrong by not taking their power to the next level. Where Katie went right was by ordering a strip search for anyone who took her fancy. This resulted in a rapid assessment of her authority, with the end result that she was forced to leave her position and the club. I don’t think she’d correct me if I said that it was one of the best nights of her life.
Convince the Bouncer You’re High, Even When You’re Not
This takes a particular level of dedication. A good place to start is by running with speed into the toilets (ideally of the opposite sex) and locking yourself into a cubicle with a friend. Laughing fits of an odd length will prompt those around you to note ‘Hang on! They’re having sex in there!’ You’re not having sex in there, but what a great opportunity to boost your rep. If you’re lucky, a bouncer will come and pull you out. When he tells you that your pupils are looking big, ALWAYS point out that he is being silly: the club is dark. Of course your pupils are big. When he demands to go through your stuff, gently reproach him that the two of you go way back: he has actually kicked you out once before. If (and when) you are then told to leave, coolly tell your friends in the smoking area that you were kicked out for having sex on the dance floor, before strutting home. Everyone will think you are the bomb, especially as it is not yet 11pm.
Get Into Disguise If You Want Another Go
PART I: For the thrill-seekers among you for whom getting kicked out once simply isn’t enough, we present The Disguise, otherwise known as Don’t Think, Twice, or Crouching Tiger, Hidden Cantab. Push your way to the front of the queue. This is called queue jumping. It is not permitted. Once you’ve got to the front, try and walk into the club itself. With a bit of luck, the bouncer will get so annoyed, he will forbid you from entering the club at all. He has fallen straight into your trap. Student 1: Bouncer 0.
PART II: Fashion yourself a disguise. Any will do, but sunglasses and a big jacket usually invoke just the right level of suspicion and intrigue. This time, turn everything on its head, and queue in an orderly manner. The bouncer will not be expecting this, and you will be able to slip in unnoticed. However, a few drinks later, your dignity and sunglasses will have slipped, opportunely revealing you to be the initial evictee. You will be spotted, and hauled out back past that now-familiar queue for maximum humiliation. A brilliant outcome for everyone involved.
I pass on this advice to you with trepidation and excitement. Use it wisely, and use it well. See you on the dancefloor.
But not for long.