Mark Liu: Week 7

I will be graduating from Cambridge soon, but what will I take away from the whole experience? Will it be all the complex mathematics I’ve learned that can be applied to everyday situations, or my ensured first class degree and endless financial security? No, it will be the people I have met.

After all, networking is everything. To really succeed in this world, all you need are contacts. Why do you think Jesus did so well? He had the ultimate Contact. “But Mark, not everyone is as socially intelligent as you,” one might say. Now shut the fuck up, as anyone can be like me with a few easy steps.

The key to networking is not what you know, but who you know. I’ve rubbed shoulders with Cambridge’s elite, sometimes literally. I’ve met half the members of Saxual Healing, the girl who was in the Daily Mail blowing a raspberry at the camera, several quarter-blues and even Francesca Hill. The secret trick is to not do anything special at all.

People have said to me, “[Mark], pretending to be an asshole makes you an actual asshole.” By the same logic, pretending to be a nice guy makes me an actual nice guy, which forms the basis of my networking method. It’s something called DST: dick sucking technique (see picture below.)

This can be done over Facebook pretty easily. What you do is comment on people’s statuses with something vapid and meaningless that appeases them, then instantly click unfollow post to avoid notification spam like a boss.

People especially like it when you comment all over their photos. If they are a guy, compliment on their ability to grow facial hair. For the females, interact with them by asking them questions about their clothing to justify their poor monetary decisions. If you choose to compliment body parts, make sure you keep it to parts which she has doused in cosmetics like her hair or her face. Not the breasts, unless she has a brejazzle.

Keep constantly adding to your social circles. Treat the “people you may know” list as a “people you will inevitably know/block you” by adding all of them. I got RSI from adding so many people that I created an algorithm that does it for me, which sends them a message based off mutual friends and interests.

I’ve got to 438 FB friends, which may not sound like much, but it’s pretty impressive given I’ve only met about 20 of them in real life.

The one thing I learned from my Cambridge experience is it’s better to be Dexter from Dexter than Dexter from Dexter’s Lab. It’s all about building up a fake persona, one that adapts to whoever they are interacting with. I’ve become very good at replicating the person I’m talking to, a special skill I’ve learned from Omegle and watching different genres of movies.

The most important thing is to maintain absolute confidence, because that is the number one trait for influencing and manipulating people. Occasionally, some people will think you seem ridiculous, even lacking in self-awareness, but many people will be swept up by your bullshit, including yourself. Basically, take one look at what all Cambridge BNOCs have in common and it’s clear what you have to do: become a sociopath.