News From The Dark Blues

This week at Jesus a group of what can only be described as communist lesbians tried their upmost to push the college into the Maoist nightmare we all know they want.

The attempted coup came in the form a of JCR motion suggesting the establishment of a ‘women’s empowerment scheme’.

Well I think we can all agree that the only thing that should be empowering women around here is our cocks; am I right boys? Good thing there were plenty of ‘Top Lads’ there to let those women know just how ridiculous they were being. I for one know exactly where they can stick their empowerment – in their vaginas, with my cock.

For those of you who aren’t, let’s say, the sharpest spires in Cambridge, and haven’t yet seen through my carefully crafted dramatic persona, please do not adjust your sets. I do, of course, think that so called ‘lad culture’ is nothing but a festering misogynistic turd, in desperate need of being flushed back into the prehistoric jelly of evolutionarily stunted slime where it belongs.

Jesus’ male dominated JCR, on the other hand, seems a little less clear on this issue and has found itself caught in the crossfire of numerous allegations of endemic sexism. These allegations followed in the wake of a JCR meeting in which male members reportedly shouted down women in attendance for being “ridiculous” to propose the empowerment scheme.

Meanwhile, as you chaps get bombarded with bomb hoaxes, Brasenose has been, as I am told the young people say, ‘kicking it old school’ in the hoax department.

A minor media frenzy was stoked up, with the BBC, The Telegraph and The Daily Mail all on the scene after a number of insidious posters were spotted around the college banning the wearing of pyjamas at breakfast, which read: “This practice evinces a failure to distinguish between public and private spaces in college. There is a clear distinction between night wear (private) and day wear (public). I trust that this slovenly practice will cease forthwith.”

Alas, all this turned out not to be the work of one of the College’s more draconian Dons finally losing it with his students’ deficiency of Harris Tweed and pith helmets to go on a poster based rampage.

Brasenose insists the posters were the work of students and not official college policy.