Naughty New Year

New Year’s Eve: known to many as the largest organised piss-up in the Western world. But whilst most of us were busy joining in to the slurred words of Burns, a few other rampant Cantabs got up to some slightly more risqué activities…

Felix, 2nd year, Clare

Master of multi-tasking, Felix has been seeing two girls lately but really started to feel the heat when he ended up at a party with both of them. After covertly addressing the needs of one of them in the upstairs bathroom, he proceeded to appease the other in what can only be described as the garden shed. As they worked their way through the bases more quickly than a hyperactive child playing rounders, there was a sharp tap at the window. It was the father of the host. But this wasn’t just any father: it was the 6’4”, ex-army, under-the-influence-of-something-illegal sort. And he wasn’t happy – something about his young daughter’s playhouse? It was at that moment when the truth dawned on Felix: this was no garden shed.

Instantly Felix’s fortunes turned particularly sour, and with just minutes of 2011 remaining he was ejected from the festivities by said father and found himself  seeing in 2012 alone, outside the house lying in some shrubbery.

Whoever first said that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush seriously overlooked children’s playhouses…

Jessica, 1st year, John’s

2012 got off to a magical start for one Jessica from John’s who got lucky at a friend’s house party and decided to ‘take things upstairs’. Unfortunately, all of the first floor rooms were occupied, forcing this Cantabrigian individual to settle for any straight-thinking girl’s second choice: the garage. It was business as usual until this young lady looked into the shadows only to see a cat perched strategically above her partner in crime’s head. She couldn’t contain her laughter and before long the moment was gone. Such an unwelcome distraction was too much for her partner in crime, who promptly ejected the feline from the garage-cum-makeshift-sex-den.

Things got back on track in the traditional fashion, but soon after that came concerned cries from the party outside of “Who threw Jasper out?” This cat’s idiomatic alternative was let out of the bag when, in an attempt to return Jasper to his allocated spot for the evening, the host pressed a switch outside. Accompanied by mechanical whirring and turning heads, the garage door inched open exposing the culprits and their act of drunken debauchery for all to see.

 Jasper single-handedly re-defined the term ‘peeping tom’

Charlie, 2nd year, Churchill

This young lad found himself out on the town at a commendable level of inebriation when he felt the natural urge to break the seal. Fortunately for Charlie, he thought nothing of purposefully whipping his wang out right there and then. Unfortunately for Charlie, he was doing this on one of the most prominent roundabouts in Exeter. With a number of onlookers. Up against a police car.

Charlie wasn’t letting anything get between him and his whazz

 Whilst the inevitable passing of water ensued, our hero felt a firm clasp on his shoulder. It was the police offering him a simple choice: an £80 fine or his name on the sex offender’s register (due to the combination of the aforementioned crowd and the sheer prominence of this young man’s penis to the public at large). Lacking all logic and reason, Churchillian Charlie’s only reply to this was: “Can I have a moment to think about that?” Needless to say, the fuzz weren’t too appreciative of his attempt at Wilde-worthy wit and once sober, the only option for this piss pest was to settle up, effectively purchasing this anecdote for the grand sum of £80.

Illustrations by Claudia Stocker