Tom Davenport’s Strictly Speaking

The Royal Visit.

Last Thursday, Queen graced the University with an official visit. Students were thrilled to behold rock royalty parading through Cambridge and holding court in one of our most historical buildings.

In a surprising controversial move, the band declined to perform for the students but chose, instead, to deliver a speech in the Senate House.


One bystander commented ‘its a shame, really. I would have liked to see them perform. But I suppose you can’t have it all.’ ‘I want it all,’ said another. As she said these words, a young lady with the most enormous derriere walked past and in doing so sent vibrations through the entire planet, ensuring that earth continued to spin. She, in turn, was almost knocked from her feet by two rowdy students, speeding down Kings Parade, indulging in what appeared to be a cycling contest.

‘Millimetres above the genetalia’

Prior to the band’s arrival there was considerable excitement amongst the student body. One young American girl was speechless: “…”‘The Needle,’ Cambridge’s niche tattoo parlour has reported record sales of their Queen-related patterns in the run up to the big day. Most popular was the title of the 1980 hit ‘Play the Game,’ to be stitched just millimetres above the genitalia.

‘Complete bastards’

Porters were put on suicide watch in several colleges for fear that inferiority complexes, stimulated by the band’s appearance, would drive students towards the ultimate self-harm manoeuvre.  One Porter commented ‘I’m pretty relaxed really. You know, the students here are all complete bastards so they are safe. Only the good die young.’ St. John’s College authorities declined to comment further on this rogue statement.


Even Fellows were looking forward to the event. The Master of St. Tomato Ketchup’s College (recently re-named following an auction of naming rights for fundraising purposes), The Rt. Hon. Lord Spud of Ireland said ‘Gosh, are they really? Well, yes, I really am rather excited about that. I used to be quite a fan.’ Quivering with anticipation, he then prolapsed.


The Senate House audience was, inevitably, horribly oversubscribed, causing the University authorities an administrative headache, the like of which they have not had to endure since the across-the-board construction of female lavatory facilities of 1979 when women were given permission to urinate on campus during term time. A spokesman said ‘organising this has been such a nightmare. You know, it is almost as bad as that time when we had to orchestrate the across-the-board construction of female lavatory facilities when women were given permission to urinate on campus during term time.’

‘Spice Girls’

This occasion was probably the most significant official visit by a band since the Spice Girls came to Cambridge in 1995 to sing evensong in the Chapel of Kings College. It has been reported that the University authorities were under pressure to organise another such event amid speculations that student uprisings were imminent. A spokesperson said ‘we aim to appease the students about once a decade. Once upon a time, they would have been happy with a visit by the Queen. Now we have to get this lot in.’


There has however been dissent from some students who have paraded around Cambridge with inflammatory anti-Queen banners. The band retorted with an official statement: ‘We are not amused.’

Other visitors on Thursday included several Professors from other Universities, a couple of retired politicians to speak at the Union Society and an elderly lady called Elizabeth.