Agony Al

Our Agony Aunt, Agony Al answers your pressing questions.

Dear Agony Al,

My boyfriend like just totally dumped me and I just like totally don’t get why. He says he ‘doesn’t want to go out with a bottle of L’Oreal Sublime Bronze anymore’ but I think that is, like, way unfair. He always said he liked the way I smelt of biscuits before. It’s like totally actually definitely because he’s been BBM-ing this girl Mandy, from Caius, who thinks she’s like waaay better than me ’cause she’s all, like, “pale and interesting”, and her hair’s real. Apparently she told him that he was too good for me, ’cause my life’s ambition is to be on the cover of Heat magazine, which is like totally unfair ’cause I way prefer Grazia, which like they would know if they read my interests on Facebook like everyone else. I don’t know what to do because she’s like SUCH a hater, and I’m like sooo still in love with him. He’s got like the best hair in John’s and he wears SO much nice Jack Wills, and like, obv he’s w Blue. How do I get him back and smack that bitch up?
Like loads of love and kisses,


Dearest Peaches,

My what a predicament you are in. Thank the lord that in these hours of darkness you have retained your impressive ability to use the same two qualifiers in the most colourful and inappropriate variety of contexts. Your education will never fail you like a man will. 
This is a difficult and trying time for you, and you must be feeling vulnerable and impressionable. Thus I feel I should advise you as your mother would, and insist that you never change yo’self for no man. So step up and move on, Gingernut, and head down to Cindies (we both know that’s where you go).  There’s plenty more fish in that sea, and on a Wednesday night you’re bound to find another Blue/one-night repository of communicable diseases.



Dear Agony Al,

I never thought this would happen to me, but I’ve fallen in love in Freshers’ week. Our JCR took us out for a rockin’ night in this jiving joint called Soul Tree. It was a good night, but I just have this strange feeling I’ll never go there again…anyway, I was stumbling home across Market Square in the wee hours, singing along to Tinchy Stryder in my head, when suddenly, Love struck me like a VK to the head. There, before my eager Fresher eyes was the most beautiful man I have ever seen. I was smitten. He has the most perfectly round, shiny head and he’s from somewhere desperately exotic. Eastern Europe I believe. His accent made me weak at the knees.
He works at this mobile restaurant called the Van of Life and he is une chef extraordinaire. He gave me the most delectable, melt-in-the-mouth battered sausage for the very reasonable price of £3.50. I definitely thought he was into me, because he paid me loads of attention, asking me my name and even writing it on a board, but he was surrounded by a huge crowd of heavy-thighed girls…Who is this delicious man and how do I get him to notice me?

Laura (Queens)

Dear Laura,

How life favours the young. Peaches, with last year’s Freshers’ 10 still not shed from her chins, is most likely a little bitter that you young whippersnappers are so lucky in love. It sounds like you are well and truly caught up in the heady whirlwind of romance. I must warn you however, that you are going after a wanted man, so foster a love of egg burgers, and get ready to stand out from the crowd.