More 24 carat gold quotes actually overheard in Bristol

‘National Express coaches are fucking peasant wagons’

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You all know the drill by now. There’s not much more to say about Bristol Uni students that hasn’t been already been said.

Yes, there’s a lot of faded 90s sportswear that you just know was the product of a six month hunt through the darkest recesses of Depop, but somehow looks like it's been plucked from the floor of a JJB Sports stock room circa 1998.

Yes, you’ll hear a lot of Home Counties accents in the chicken shops come 4am, demanding the exasperated looking bossman to speed up as he dejectedly drops another load of chips into the frier, whilst texting Mummy to say that yes, they would love it if she could send down those M&S Rocky Road bites from home if it wouldn’t be too much trouble.

Yes, there’s ketamine. Yes, there’s a lot of flared trousers.

But even if these stereotypes aren’t an entirely accurate reflection of the Bristol student body, they’re not without their own merit. There’s something undeniably magical about this triple threat cocktail of closet hypebeasts, horse tranquiliser consumption and a general lack of any sense of social awareness.

It’s a formula that is guaranteed to produce comedic gold. From Lola Lo’s to Lakota, from MBargo’s to the Island, you can guarantee with absolute certainty that at any given moment, somehow, somewhere, a Bristol student is chatting some absolute shit. Just straight up, pure fucking breeze.

Here’s a collection of some of the shit I and other Tab writers have heard wafting past our way in the early hours.


"Oh I really must get a pair of velvet flared trousers for Motion"

"Listening to techno makes you mature faster for sure"

"Renovating Lounge is cultural appropriation, plain and simple"

"Lounge without Lizards is like ket without the comedown"


"Who even are you if you don’t have a weed jar in your flat?"

"I swear down not doing drugs is the new doing drugs"

"Yeah man, sobriety is bare edgy now that everyone does K"

"I came up in a Maccy D’s and absolutely shat myself"

Food and drink

"I think I’m addicted to Marmite, like, I’ve got an addictive personality and that so I think it could be true"

"Ketchup doesn’t talk back to you, it can’t fuck you over, that’s why I love it"

"If you’re not wearing a bra then you shouldn’t come to pres"

"We were in the middle of a discussion about foreign policy and then he just started chundering and fainted"


"When Victoria Azarenka was staying at my grandparents’ house it was just so annoying"

"I didn’t ask for another Mac, I just got one from my parents for Christmas"

"George tickled a homeless person on the way back"

"National Express coaches are fucking peasant wagons"

"I’ve always said, you can never have too much tweed"

"It's a travesty that Bristol only has two Waitroses"

"You can be, like, middle class without being, like, posh"

"Honestly, fuck charity"

"I’m the only northerner in the block, it feels like Slumdog Millionaire"

"I went to Swansea and the best view there was the fucking Vue cinema. Absolute shithole"