A definitive list of why freshers are the absolute worst

Autumn term has rolled round again and brought with it the incoming batch of freshers. With them came back all the annoyances that I swear I thought I’d let go of last year. Turns out…I haven’t. So, here are my top pet peeves about you goddamn freshers.

Campus fashion

Does it seem to be a general rule that all freshers dress to impress? Like honestly wait for November when your crusty eyes have slept through another 9am and a shower just isn’t on your list of necessary things to do. Pyjamas are the ultimate go-to outfit for lectures. That winged liner? Don’t even bother.

Attendance

Now this one is a double edged sword because sorry freshers – you just can’t win. This one’s a little bit of a journey, you start the year genuinely trying to make all your lectures and seminars because you want to do well. You’re fresh off your A-levels and have told yourself that you’ll keep up that dedication to your studies. Bless you, I know you’re trying. Us third years commend you for your efforts.

But then a couple of weeks slip by. You’ve realised that the lecturer for that one module really is as boring and useless as everyone said he was, so you slowly give up. Your attendance then drops and that’s okay, your year literally means nothing. I’ll say it again for those in the back. IT DOESN’T COUNT. This makes me mad. Not your fault and there’s no point ignoring my predictions – it is but the circle of life.

The library

Continuing from my previous point (aka IT DOESN’T COUNT), why are you already in the library? Like seriously, we are two weeks into term and I know from experience that you can’t have that heavy-a-work load that you need to be here. If you have work, use your nice warm accommodation on the Vale with your own room and everything. Us second and third years are here because we actually have work to do and in Selly, heating is a luxury we just can’t afford.

freshers it's to the back of the line for you #sorrynotsorry

The campus tour

I have been asked multiple times this week where various things on campus are. Mate, it's 10am and I barely know my own name – what makes you think I’d know where Garth House is?

Alcohol limit

I know you all want to seem cool to your new housemates and hey, alcohol is a great social lubricant but honestly, do you need to throw up everywhere? There’s always that one fresher that needs to be escorted out by security, or worse, the one who doesn’t even get inside the club.

oh no what did you do last night

Absolute naivety

Ah, the smell of fresh meat, of hopes and dreams. Of having goals. Just you wait, that won’t last long. When your lecturers all plan four deadlines in the space of two days, you’ll be crying and hoping to drop out – this is how you know you’re officially a student.

But the absolute worst thing about freshers? The simple fact that I wish I was one again.