Ranking all the Islanders by how bad they came out looking after movie night
I can taste the downfall of Olivia, and it tastes so sweet
Ah, the Love Island movie night. Less Academy Awards and more front row seat at the Razzie’s, the now annual shitshow of exposé and drama hasn’t gone down without a momentous kick off and ocean of tears since it debuted. There’s always a tier list of who emerges from movie night relatively unscathed and who should be frogmarched out of the villa by an angry, pitchfork-laden mob – so in that annual tradition, here’s my ranking of all the Love Island Islanders, ranked by how bad they came out of movie night looking.
15, 14, 13. Martin, Shaq and Jessie
The trio of scorned and unbothered icons. These three came out of the whole event with us either wooping for their popcorn munching reactions or weeping for the shit they’ve had to put up with. Martin and Shaq should bin Tanya off and fall in love together I think! And Jessie? The best Islander of this entire year by far. Deserves better.
12, 11, 10 and 9. Kai, Lana, Sanam and Maxwell
This next bunch are all people who didn’t have me weeping for them like the three above, but just didn’t do anything problematic or evil and came out of movie night the exact same way they went into it. Consistency is beautiful.
Ron was the goody when it came to not getting with anyone else at Casa, but what he DID do was cheer on every lad who wanted two stray and it was toe curling watching him egg on the strayers.
There’s a real aggy vibe to Claudia that I do NOT vibe with. I feel like I could accidentally nudge her in a club and get a vodka lime soda dripping down my head in a heartbeat. Proper rowdy energy, take it down a notch love!
When she bit Will’s head off for no reason! Oh she was pressed. Her and Claudia were in their furious era and would have benefitted from a bit of perspective. Tom was pure evil to her though so her anger was semi allowed.
Ranking in fifth for who came out worse after Love Island movie night is Casey – who is the resident king of denial after seemingly shrugging off everything the girls watched. Oh, we’re cringing.
Well guys, we knew it was bad. And it was really bad! Dreadful! Poor Jessie, and if she has any sense she’s going to call it all quits right now because … yikes. At least he did say he felt bad though – and it’s the remorse that saves him from top three most evil in this ranking of Love Island movie night menaces.
My sister said she could never date this man because whenever he went on any night out there was just no way she could ever trust him, and it’s so true. I do genuinely think he feels bad and likes Samie, but he has no restraint or willpower whatsoever. I finished movie night thinking if he had a crumb of horn and a girl so much as smiled at him he’d neck her. Not good. Poor Samie.
Is she from planet zog may I ask? What on earth is going on? Cringefest from the little roar she did to Martin aside, Tanya’s behaviour on Love Island before and after movie night secures her ranking second worst – she has treated Shaq like shit on her shoe and somehow manages to gaslight him constantly to try and make him think he’s in the wrong or that he did the same as her? Unfathomable.
No joke when I say this… Probably the worst Islander of all time. Completely and utterly deluded, constantly thinks of herself as some Ekin-Su-ian icon spouting legendary lines that simply never land. Deranged behaviour towards Kai. She tried to flip at Ron for saying she couldn’t get Tom, even though the fact of the matter is she literally could not get Tom. She might not have liked it and she might have found it upsetting, but it was the truth.
How the villa isn’t turning on her after her bitchy comments got exposed is beyond me. I can’t believe we’re sitting here for once with two girls coming out worse but such is the season. Bad, bad, bad vibes. Get her gone.
Love Island 2023 continues at 9pm on ITV2 and ITVX. For all the latest Love Island news and gossip and for the best memes and quizzes, like The Holy Church of Love Island on Facebook.
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