A definitive list of every single person you’ll meet in your uni halls this year
We all have the flatmate who’s a walking, talking Elf Bar
You’ve got your A-Level results, firmed your offer, done a big trip to Ikea and spent hours agonising over which exact pair of fairy lights you should buy to decorate your room with. The next step before the library all-nighters and many, many pints begin? Moving into halls and meeting all your new flatmates.
When you’re chucked in a flat with six to 10 complete strangers and forced to live together for a year, things can get interesting to say the least. You might make some friends for life, sure, and you might also end up meeting some people you never want to see or hear from ever again. Whatever happens, halls is an experience and your uni flat will be made up of a load of interesting characters. It’s a given that every single halls flat will have the exact same types of people, from the social sec to the chef to the one who hates everyone else. Here’s a definitive list of every type of person you’ll meet in halls this year:
The social sec
They went to uni for one thing and one thing alone: The drinks. They’ve never even stepped foot on campus or clapped eyes on the library. Do they even go to your uni? What do they study? You’ll never find out, and you’re not sure even they know what their degree is. They treat every Wednesday’s Sports’ Night like it’s a religious holiday, always host the best pres and force everyone into playing Ring of Fire. In three years’ time they will barely scrape a 2:2, before moving to Clapham for a finance grad scheme their uncle helped secure.
When you move into halls you can’t help but stare at them – where have you seen them before? Maybe you went to primary school together?? But then when you’re all drinking on the first night of Freshers’ Week they suddenly announce they have some “news” to share with the group, and come out as who they really are – a TikToker.
Good luck to whoever has the room below them, because they’re constantly blaring TikTok sounds as they try to get their lip sync spot on, and they’re learning a new dance every other day. But occasionally they’ll get a cool freebie sent to them and you can all reap the benefits.
The walking, talking Elf Bar
Whenever you walk into their room, you’re hit with the sickly-sweet cloud of vape fumes. They’ve made some sort of contraption to cover up the smoke alarm, purely so they can sit in their room chain-vaping all day long. You don’t ever need to buy any of your own from the sheer amount of second-hand vape you inhale just from being in the kitchen with them – at least you know you’re always sorted on a night out when you can just go into the smoking area with them and borrow their Elf Bar.
The flatcest criminals
You wake up on Tuesday of Freshers’ Week to a text from Chloe asking if you can keep a secret. You run into her room, and she confesses she shagged Jack last night. Oh no, you think, it’s begun. Your room is between the two of theirs, so you spend most of the year hearing footsteps running past your door, and some, uh, questionable noises coming from inside. They would go to their graves denying the fact they shag five days a week, but everyone knows it.
Then in March they break up because Chloe gets a boyfriend, and the whole flat is treated to their blazing arguments. When people tell you not to shit where they eat, listen to them.
The one you shag
Buoyed by Chloe and Jack’s “success” story, you end up shagging another flatmate after a night out. Whoopsie, what are you like! It’s exciting at the time but ultimately a rubbish shag, and when you wake up the next morning the full dread sets in. You vow never to do it again (spoiler alert – you do).
Their parents gave them some money as present for getting mediocre A-Level results, but unbeknownst to Karen and Michael their darling Sam spent the money on DJ decks and a wide array of bucket hats, in a bid to “reinvent” himself before coming to uni. Instead of going to lectures he just sits in his room all day, surrounded by tapestries and making remixes, which he’s desperately trying to make become the next big TikTok sound.
The two girls who are inseparable
“Omg, besties!!!” they declare to anyone who will listen. You’d be forgiven for thinking they’re life-long best friends who have known each other since birth, but nope – they happened to join the group chat at the same time and now think they’re long lost siblings. They coordinate move-in times, help each other unpack, and then each is never seen without the other for the rest of term.
They go to all their psychology lectures together, do a joint ASDA shop on the weekly, and do each other’s hair before every night out – until they fall out in May over fancying the same boy. Get ready for an awks second year, because they already signed to live together and will spend the whole time making passive aggressive digs at each other.
The one who spends every weekend at her boyfriend’s
You’ll meet her once during Freshers’ Week and then she’ll become a fond memory from a long time ago. You will simply never meet her boyfriend, and over time you begin to even question his entire existence and debate whether she just spends 48 hours of her week alone in her room to get space from the rest of you.
You stumble into the kitchen on Sunday morning, desperately hungover, still reeking of tequila and dying for a cold glass of water, and are greeted by the worst smell known to man. The flat chef’s been up since 7am, batch cooking spag bol and chicken korma for their meals for the week. They glare at you and tell you not to touch their tupperware pots, which are spread across every conceivable surface including the windowsill.
You all quickly learn that the kitchen is out of bounds for about three hours every Sunday, and during the week don’t even think about moving any of the tupperware pots that they’ve completely filled the fridge with.
The one who started the big halls block group chat
They’re a blessing after A-Level results day, when you’re desperately trying to find the people you’ll be spending the next nine months living with. But not even two weeks into term you’ll find them insufferable. Sorry, it’s a simple fact of life x
The gap yah
“Oh, didn’t you know I’m 19 already?”, Ellie says to you over the first Freshers’ Week pint. She’s so mature and didn’t you know she’s travelled? She will bore you all senseless with tales of her time in Bali, failing to mention she was only there for about a month and spent the rest of her gap year working in the local supermarket.
The one who hates everyone else
They came out on the first night on Freshers’ Week, sat on their phone the whole time, and then decided they hate the lot of you despite having had roughly two conversations with each of you. They purposely cook their food at bizarre times just to avoid being in the kitchen with you, and good luck if you ever host a pres because the passive aggressive messages asking if you can “keep it down 🙂” will start at 9pm on the dot.
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