platinum jubilee merch

Burgers, Barbies and battered fish: Just 20 of the most unhinged Platinum Jubilee merch

Disown the monarchy but keep the Platty Joobs meat plate

Whether you care about the Queen or not, it’s undeniable that the long-awaited Platinum Jubilee will be an excellent opportunity to spend time with your family, reunite with loved ones and come together… to look at these totally fucked bits of merch and laugh until you ugly-cry.

Lizzie’s Platty Joobs is essentially just a way to excuse four whole days of early-morning bevs. No-one really cares about the Queen, she looks pretty DONE with everything herself and the entire big party is on the taxpayer’s coin. But yay! Coronation chicken subs and corgi-shaped cakes!!

So, before you think *too* hard about how much this is all costing us – here’s 20 pieces of unhinged Platinum Jubilee merch to see you through:

1. A proper English whole massive egg in a ham sandwich

2. Scary hole-face Queen near the Djungelskog

3. An ice cream scoop with arms and legs

4. A really encouraging bottle of salad cream

5. Chicken crowns

6. A neon blue bit of battered fish

7. The gnome Queen

8. Morrisons Jubilee meat pack

9. You’re not a real flag shagger unless you have the B&M Union Jack cupcake cases

10. Some kind of corgi caterpillar?

11. Lamqueenie was my uni nickname I’ll have you know

ย 12. A gingerbread man which frankly looks like an e-fit of the Queen

13. This street party chicken bucket which I will eat all by myself

14. This Very Regal chicken sub!

15. ‘Is that the-‘ ‘the goth Union Jack fridge-freezer? Yeah’

16. It’s giving ‘a local shop for local people’

17. These action figures just dethroned Lorde for no reason whatsoever

18. Might get this lovely china burger box for my nan

19. Technically not merch but this is CURSED

20. And finally – this horrifying Barbie literally no child would want to play with

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