Burgers, Barbies and battered fish: Just 20 of the most unhinged Platinum Jubilee merch

Disown the monarchy but keep the Platty Joobs meat plate

2 years ago

Whether you care about the Queen or not, it’s undeniable that the long-awaited Platinum Jubilee will be an excellent opportunity to spend time with your family, reunite with loved ones and come together… to look at these totally fucked bits of merch and laugh until you ugly-cry.

Lizzie’s Platty Joobs is essentially just a way to excuse four whole days of early-morning bevs. No-one really cares about the Queen, she looks pretty DONE with everything herself and the entire big party is on the taxpayer’s coin. But yay! Coronation chicken subs and corgi-shaped cakes!!

So, before you think *too* hard about how much this is all costing us – here’s 20 pieces of unhinged Platinum Jubilee merch to see you through:

1. A proper English whole massive egg in a ham sandwich

😐 pic.twitter.com/83cwGxjXvj

— abza (@abzaabb) May 27, 2022

2. Scary hole-face Queen near the Djungelskog

IKEA making an effort. pic.twitter.com/saIF51x0IW

— Martin Jones (@mbj0023) May 30, 2022

3. An ice cream scoop with arms and legs

pic.twitter.com/aGIokyXV6m

— Mat Field (@field_mat) May 13, 2022

4. A really encouraging bottle of salad cream

pic.twitter.com/NcI32vSKn8

— Store View (@Storeview) May 14, 2022

5. Chicken crowns

Chicken crowns for Hen Majesty the Queen. pic.twitter.com/vacX9QqKeJ

— Katie T (@bookslinger) May 27, 2022

6. A neon blue bit of battered fish

Found a new case for independence: pic.twitter.com/fTWkmgI7gt

— 𝚊 𝚐𝚕𝚊𝚜𝚐𝚘𝚠 𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚔𝚒𝚎 🦭 (@JennyLConstable) May 17, 2022

7. The gnome Queen

Asda ‘Gnomes’ pic.twitter.com/IwrcBaSp06

— Hello Cleveland (@HelloClvland) May 13, 2022

8. Morrisons Jubilee meat pack

From @Morrisons online. Everything HM needs. pic.twitter.com/yPP06AU4fT

— tim shelley (@muddledleveller) May 30, 2022

9. You’re not a real flag shagger unless you have the B&M Union Jack cupcake cases

Celebrate with your paper cups and cupcake cases from B&M 😅 pic.twitter.com/gX4vrMnj12

— JT (@Jt11John) May 17, 2022

10. Some kind of corgi caterpillar?

pic.twitter.com/WOxPPcRQwF

— Laura (@swissfamilyB) May 18, 2022

11. Lamqueenie was my uni nickname I’ll have you know

“Lambrini unveils Lamqueenie to celebrate Platinum Jubilee” 😆 pic.twitter.com/rIIDJWcRCs

— H-Bomb (@BeastsOfLuxury) May 20, 2022

12. A gingerbread man which frankly looks like an e-fit of the Queen

Eight quid. For a biscuit. Just one. pic.twitter.com/A89OYtJuas

— Darren 💙 (@Darrenjs68) May 20, 2022

13. This street party chicken bucket which I will eat all by myself

👑😳 pic.twitter.com/HIvqaxjUkk

— no context carpet for all (@WHS_Carpet) May 30, 2022

14. This Very Regal chicken sub!

👑 pic.twitter.com/VlF2ySaYge

— no context carpet for all (@WHS_Carpet) May 27, 2022

15. ‘Is that the-‘ ‘the goth Union Jack fridge-freezer? Yeah’

pic.twitter.com/ppuGctvwrA

— mark emlyn evans (@marcooth) May 25, 2022

16. It’s giving ‘a local shop for local people’

There’s a lot of it about. This was in the Royal County of Norfolk pic.twitter.com/kB9tJaV37o

— Reg Tubby (@regtubby) May 21, 2022

17. These action figures just dethroned Lorde for no reason whatsoever

Solar powered. If it’s sunny enough, the hand will wave!! 😆👋👋 pic.twitter.com/CcEBulFwa9

— Kath Brunsden🇪🇺 (@MrsKBrunsden) May 31, 2022

18. Might get this lovely china burger box for my nan

Win this from McD’s and you can “dine like a royal… in honour of the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee”. The patriotism brings a tear to my eye, she must be so touched 🇬🇧 pic.twitter.com/caYXFPzKmv

— Tommo (@chilton_darlo) May 31, 2022

19. Technically not merch but this is CURSED

Our spellbinding homage to Her Majesty The #Queen! 👑
We’ve projected eight portraits of Queen Elizabeth II onto Stonehenge in celebration of the #PlatinumJubilee. pic.twitter.com/vn5vkGHJGt

— Stonehenge (@EH_Stonehenge) May 30, 2022

20. And finally – this horrifying Barbie literally no child would want to play with

Bring out the bunting and flex your credit card! To mark HRH’s #PlatinumJubilee, we’re celebrating in the best way we know how – a shopping spree! Especially this utterly brilliant #Queen Barbie! Lizzie would approve. #jubilee #souvenirs #shop #royalfamily https://t.co/opfzfl23Tu pic.twitter.com/JEGVHFhyhU

— Rachel Jane (@muddyberkshire) May 31, 2022