The John Lewis uni essentials are here and they are completely boujee and unessential

September has finally arrived which means it is time to start packing up for uni. The returning students will be scrapping together their Sports Direct mug, one measly tea spoon and Primark diffuser that has definitely lost it’s smell by now. But for the Freshers this is a chance to buy all their brand new uni stuff that they will hardly use or need.

The majority of people will be buying their new bedroom and kitchen supplies from Ikea or Wilko. But where will the kids of Surrey buy their uni essentials? John Lewis of course. John Lewis has a dedicated section on their website for going back to uni. It includes their 140 top picks for what to pack and a guide on how to make a “home away from home”.

Some of the essentials are actually essential – like bed sheets and plates. But of course this is John Lewis so there are some very boujee items for the Hugo and Millies of the world including £70 saucepans, a glass teapot and a candle stick holder.

These are the most unessential and middle class items in John Lewis’ “Top Picks for University”:

A set of stainless steal pans for £70

£70 on saucepans??? All these will be used for is fajitas and tomato pasta, there is no need to go all Jamie Oliver on us John Lewis. Also if your housemates don’t steal these by the end of the year it’ll be some kind of miracle.

Glass teapot with infuser, £12

How else is Georgiana going to drink her Earl Grey loose leaf tea in her Edinburgh halls otherwise? The tea made from this clearly won’t be served in a Sports Direct mug.

Those hipster backpacks that the posh kids used in year 10, £80

I’m not gonna try and pronounce the bag but really don’t rock up with one of these on your first day of uni, they should have died and stayed in Urban Outfitters where they belong.

A candle stick holder, £12

Picture the scene – you stumble into your mould infested room with the rugby boy you swore you wouldn’t drunk text again. There are clothes all over the floor, a mug you should have taken downstairs two days ago and the empty gin bottle from pres. But with the help of John Lewis you can create the perfect ambience by lighting your candle stick, secure in it’s holder, and get that 16th century feast vibe you’ve always been after.

Freshers you can’t use these as candles are banned in halls. Maybe try your harsh desk light for a bit of mood lighting?

Compact soup maker, £49.96

You could probably buy about 50 tins of soup with the money spent on this. Also if you can convince your parents to buy you this because you’ll be “into making healthy soups”, you will use it approximately one time, make a shit tasting soup and clean it half heartedly so it always leaves a dodgy smell in the kitchen.

Starter kit of plants, £32

Just face it, they’ll be dead by the end of Freshers’ week.

Google Nest Mini speaker, £29

Has John Lewis not heard? We don’t need to buy these anymore as you can get one with your Spotify Premium account throughout September.

Although if my confirmation email does not come through I may need to add it to my basket.

Lacquered Storage Box, £22

I’m going to level with you here, I have no idea what lacquered means. Probably just shiny. Although for £22 it seems a rather big waste of money for a box that looks very decorative and yet doesn’t hold much.

According to John Lewis the box is perfect for storing “shoe care accessories”, so thank god there will be somewhere for me to store my leather polish so I can freshly prepare my shoes before my virtual lectures.

Chilly’s bottle, £20

Of course it’s a Chilly’s bottle, perfect for carrying all those soups you’re not going to make to the library.

Moleskin large notebook, £18

Forget a cheap lined pad from Ryman’s, the middle class has to take a £18 notebook to all lectures with them. They will obviously be engraved with the double barrel surname.

Chunky Knit Pouffe, £75

Ok so weirdly this pouffe isn’t actually on the essentials list – I know, I’m shocked a glorified cushion that costs £75 isn’t deemed essential but here we are.

It is still included in John Lewis’ edit of  “How to create a student-friendly home from home” and the pouffe is part of the additional seating for guests section. I wouldn’t recommend asking your housemates to split the cost of this with you though.

A 32″ Sony TV, £249

Just what every Fresher needs in their tiny box room accommodation, a giant TV that won’t be allowed and will potentially get smashed when said Fresher gets home pissed from the pub.

Set of four baking utensils, £10

Ok I get the spoon and occasionally the whisk if you’re going to go fancy and make your one night stand some scrambled eggs, but a pastry brush?? When was the last time a uni student made a pie or a tart? Seriously have John Lewis actually met any students?

Iron, £20

Lol, no one is using this.

Related stories recommended by this writer:

•According to Tatler these 26 things are what makes you posh post lockdown

•This is what the middle classes are buying in lockdown, according to John Lewis

•Just a list of the most unessential items from the essential Waitrose range