VOTE: Which uni is undeniably the lamest of them all?
Let’s face it it’s probably York
Every uni has something they cling to being the best at. Maybe they're top of a league table for medicine, or maybe a high percentage of fit people go there, or their biggest BNOC is wilder and more classic than everyone else's.
But what about the unis who are just profoundly unexciting? Universities so lacking in vibe you can't help but wonder why you'd ever go there in the first place.
Below you'll find a condensed description of all relevant British universities and also Norwich. Read them and decide for yourself which is truly the lamest:
Sequestered in the highest corner of freezing Scotland you’ll find Aberdeen students living it up in places called Tunnels and Underground. If the Scottish unis were a family, Abz would be the annoying loud younger sibling. Grim, sure, but hardly what you’d call lame.
The first thing that strikes you about Glasgow students is how much they sincerely love their uni (lame), but they also get their bums out for charity a lot and I feel this should be encouraged so please don’t vote for them.
The overgrown children who attend Prince Will’s Alma Mata pre-drink to Lily Allen and get down in the club to Olly Murs. If that sounds like it’s right up your alley then you are probably just as lame as they are.
Being rich may not be a substitute for a personality, but Edinburgh students are so rich they somehow manage to make it work. Money is not lame, simple as that.
I wouldn’t call Norwich students anything other than what they want to be called lest they involve me in some sort of druggy ritual – they are weird man.
Students at York live a quiet unbothered existence. Except for when you need to buy food at their SU bar which has to be done with this stupid app thing that doesn’t even work and it boils my wee just thinking about it. Anyway York students wear fleeces a lot and are exceedingly lame – a safe bet.
Some unis are into coke, others stan VKs, at Oxford people fuck pigs and have weird orgies at parties in the middle of nowhere. They are infinitely cooler than Cambridge and this will always be the case.
LSE students are thoroughly lame 99 per cent of the time, which they spend shut in their rooms downing Pro Plus pills with Red Bull, but that unholy one per cent is well up there with the lairiest unis. How else are they meant to get it out of their system before Deloitte sucks the rest of their souls away?
Maybe in some faraway time when drugs are not cool you could reasonably vote for Manchester in this category. Except the year is 2019 and drugs are, in fact, cool.
Liverpool students are so up for a good time they’ll kickstart a pres at the drop of a hat. It’s all fun going till you get to The Raz and they all start whacking the air vent above them in quite possibly the least cool display of lairiness I’ve ever seen.
If Manchester is where you go if you got really into ket in sixth form, Bristol is where you go if you want to try drugs for the first time. They’re about as edgy as play dough, and 100 per cent deserve your vote.
King’s College London
London unis are all inherently quite boring and unadventurous because they’re so busy worrying about whether they’ll join Daddy’s law firm of Mummy’s accountancy firm they’ll forget to have any fun at uni. King’s is, in fairness, the most fun of the bunch.
A prerequisite for getting into Newcastle is that you must be both fit and fun. These people live for the sesh. Tl;dr, you are not voting for them here.
Rounding out the holy triforce of ket (the others being Bristol and Manchester), we have Leeds. The students there are the most grounded of the three, however. Think of them as the Zelda to Manchester’s Ganondorf. That is a video game reference and ALSO a joke about drugs. We are through the looking glass people.
If you commit to going to going to Birmingham you commit to a thoroughly middle-of-the road university experience. It’s not just that, though, Brum students aspire to mediocrity – and that’s lame.
If universities could be made on an online generator, Notts would be the default setting. They chuck VKs across their clubs sometimes which is both lame and stupid!
Guys we’ve moved past the observation that Durham students are all Oxbridge rejects, because that’s true of a lot of unis these days. What separates Durham is their inability to accept their rejection – it’s a burden which will haunt them for the rest of their lives.
I thought Cov students were surprisingly cool in a grungy kind of way, and then I saw them all jumping up and down on the JJs dancefloor to Lose Yourself and the illusion is forever ruined. Big thumbs down.
See on the one hand, Brookes students’ mantra of Brookes not Books is undeniably classic, but the overabundance of tories is decidedly not. Pick your poison.
Sheff students actually piss Dark Fruits. I’m serious – they’d put that shit in their Corn Flakes if you let them. It’s not like Dark Fruits aren’t great but honestly you have to grow up at some point.
UCL is the lamest London uni, and that is the motherfucking tea. More like POOCL amirite???? They're not as hardworking as LSE or as sexy as King's, and that mediocrity is a lame stench they'll never get rid of.
The one thing at Royal Holloway that really grinds their gears is literally a back gate. These people live in a very small (and very lame) world.
You have to hand it to Sussex. Brighton is one of the coolest and most vibrant places on Earth and somehow Sussex student manage to be neither of those things.
They really think they’re actually Welsh and give way too much of a shit about stairs. Seriously, get a grip.
Even saying the word “Lancaster” sounds really oldy-woldy, but apparently it’s a decent uni??? Like, I’m as surprised as you. I also have it on good authority they’re lame as FUCK.
Queen’s University Belfast
Lmao I dare you to venture into the heart of the Holylands and call Belfast students lame – go on. Do it.
Is it lame to live in abject squalor? Like, how rock and roll is it in this day and age simply to stop washing yourself, your clothes, and your house? My point is Soton students might not be lame but they sure are gross.
Oh sick you went to a middle tier private school and now you’re at Exeter? What’s that? You’re really excited to get into recruitment in “The City” and do lots of cocaine in Infernos with rugby boys who went to Nottingham? All while whipping your top around your head like you're still in Timepiece? How wonderful for you.
If any uni town embodies Instagram vs Reality, it’s Bournemouth. Your mates who go here plaster their Insta feeds with pics of the pier and VKs in Cameo but the reality is Bournemouth is quite miserable, especially during those rainy Winter months.
When Warwick students sit in a circle and play drinking games they call it “circling”, and if that weren’t lame enough the SU once banned it – probably because it was too much fun.
I've never heard of a fun Cambridge student and I'm inclined to believe they simply don't exist. I mean look, if you go to Cambridge you’ve already signed your personality away to for a golden ticket to literally any job you could ever want. Woop de fucking doo.
Writing this article and getting to Lincoln is like playing cards and drawing the joker – you’re pretty sure it has a use but fuck if you know what it is.