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Introducing The Golden Four: The four fittest universities in the country

I have a theory, hear me out

Okay there is this theory that there are four, and only four, unis which generate more fit people than any other in the country. Just think about it – when you're on Tinder, are you more likely to swipe-right for someone from Norwich, or someone from Leeds? A gal from Southampton, or one from Newcastle?

It's unknown what's in the water, but anyone from Bristol, Leeds, Newcastle or Manchester is guaranteed to be an 8/10. It's just science.

Meet The Golden Four, the crème de la crème of British unis. Not only do they churn out the next KPMG grad schemers and city-flyers, but also the best looking alumni. Imagine the hair and facial structure of a baby born from a Leeds and Bristol grad – it's almost too overwhelming to even comprehend.

The Golden Four's secret is a mystery. Nike, signet rings, a potential trust fund and rollies all unite them, but what is it that makes this diamond of impeccable institutions the most desirable?


If anyone knows this man please email

If anyone knows this man please email [email protected]

Moving from their private school in the Home Counties to the edgy South West in an attempt to distance themselves from their posh past, Bristol students are firmly part of the Golden Four. The masking of their wealth and upbringing – although it is difficult to cover up the name Horatio – through expensive sportswear and K cider is the key to their success.

They've got a Made in Chelsea vibe – the husk of their beautiful voices isn't from how many rollies they get through in the Motion smoking area, it's just their natural accent.

From daddy's left over money he didn't give in donations to the Tory party, they're able to wear head-to-toe Urban Outfitters, meaning they're always immaculately dressed in North Face, Carhartt and Fila.


His jaw line has been carved by Zeus himself

His jaw line has been carved by Zeus himself

The boys have floppy hair, the girls have glossy long blonde locks which makes them look like a pedigree Afghan Hound. Even though everyone is wearing a puffa jacket and the same Air Max, you crave to be as beautiful as them.

And most of them are promoters, and everyone knows you have to be fit to be a successful promoter.

I will never be as great as you

I will never be as great as you

They encompass everything it means to be a posh horsey girl from Surrey alongside their inner Northerner, which is unleashed when they smash quadvods followed by chips, cheese and gravy after a night out at Swingers.

Their attractiveness goes beyond their physical attributes. Not afraid to show off their middle-class roots, they probably have an Aga in their Jesmond mansion to cook you breakfast on in the morning, Jo Malone diffusers and a La Creuset – perfection.


Dang girl tell me your secrets

Dang girl tell me your secrets

How it possible that a group of people can still remain 10/10 with unwashed hair and glitter remains scattered across their face? It's unknown, but Leeds students still manage to look FAF walking through Hyde Park after an all-nighter at Canal Mills. Lovers of getting shitfaced and taking loads of ket, it's their passion for the sesh which adds to their beauty.

And what's more, their beauty literally shines through face gems, bindis and glitter – for all we know they could be pretty hanging underneath. But with glitter being as essential to them as wearing a clean set of underwear, we'll never know the truth.


Who is she???

Who is she???

It's hard to pinpoint what makes Manchester students so attractive, when most of the time they look like they've just crawled back from a sweaty one at Warehouse Project. They look gritty, dishevelled, but it's all a carefully orchestrated act as really, they've just nailed the effortless look making them so much more appealing.

Shopping exclusively on Depop, they source all the best vintage sports wear, rare trainers and can afford to wear Tommy Hilfiger jumpers and not care if they loose it at Antwerp Mansion.

The girls are genuinely pretty without make up and three hours sleep. They somehow manage to get away with noughties looking baggy jeans because of how slim they all are, thanks to their cocaine and two-for-a-fiver New Zealand wines diet.

Photo credits: Lakota, Photography by I AM VIP Tiger Tiger Manchester, Club Trop, Space, Love Dough