Twilight is the most disturbing film of all time and you’re sick in the head for loving it
I feel gross what were we THINKING
Twilight isn’t just a book or a film – it’s hot sexy vampire porn for children and we couldn't get enough. Edward's perfectly tousled hair. Bella being torn between two sexy men. The fact that her and Edward couldn't have sex but desperately wanted to. Topless Jacob, who was also a wolf. Stephanie Meyer literally made us fancy animals.
Ok, hold that thought for a second. And now think about THIS: Edward Cullen was a literal paedophile and Jacob falls in love with a baby.
I’m ashamed to say I’m only just realising this now 11 years later but Twilight is deeply, deeply disturbed. 100 million of us have been well and truly mugged off for years and it’s about time someone said something about it.
Here’s a list of moments from Twilight that are well and truly not ok and will make you feel like you’re sick in the head:
1. Edward watches Bella sleep when they've only had one conversation
Imagine waking up and seeing the weird boy you sit next to in Biology who always looks super constipated is stood at the end of your bed watching you sleep. Her response? Make out with him, obviously. Bella why!!!!
2. He also stalks her
Remember in the first movie when she's being harassed by some guys and then out of nowhere Edward rocks up in his very cool car and scares them off? He was following her. That's stalking. Her response? Go for dinner with him. For fuck sake Bella.
3. Bella ignores everyone who tries to be friends with her
This girl got such a warm welcome when she moved to her new high school. And what does she care about? Vampire dick.
Jessica is a low key great friend and yet Bella "I'm not like other girls" Swan can't stand her and basically just puts up with her friendship group until she can ditch them for the Cullens.
4. The Cullen's family structure is incesty as fuck
Are you brothers and sisters or couples? Why did Carlisle create a whole family of vampires and then make them start dating? He treats this inexplicably fit family of vampires like I treated my Sims as a child.
5. Carlisle was playing God the whole time
Just as people were about to die he took it into his hands to make them vampires and force them to live forever. What if they were looking forward to the big sleep? I would quite like to go gentle into that good night, please, don't vampify me.
6. Bella sits in a chair and sulks for a whole year when Edward breaks up with her
There is an actual montage of her sat there looking out the window, hair getting greasier by the month, as Autumn, Winter, Summer and Spring pass. All because her high school boyfriend of one year broke up with her.
Most people just get smashed on a night out, have a good cry and post something a bit embarrassing on their Insta story. A year of dramatic mourning seems a bit much, Bella. Go live your hot girl summer and kiss some werewolves.
7. She runs away with a random motorcycle gang to try and bring Edward back
If Bella almost dies a weird ghost version of Edward appears and tells her to stay safe. So, naturally, she keeps trying to get herself into danger so she can see him. Completely rational.
8. Leaving Jessica on a dodgy side street with the rest of the scary motorcycle gang
She goes to see a movie with Jessica, her last resort friend because Edward broke up with her, and then fucks off on a motorbike with some weird guy. This leaves Jessica stranded in a weird side street she didn't want to go down anyway. Very bad friend. Bella Swan is cancelled.
9. Also she crashes a motorcycle and jumps off a cliff
All for a brief ghost apparition of her ex boyfriend! Mate, get over him.
10. Edward can't have sex with Bella because he might accidentally kill her
Take that in for a second. Also, when they do finally have sex, she's left bruised and hurt and the bed is LITERALLY BROKEN IN HALF.
Our teenage minds probably thought that was mad sexy but in reality if your boyfriend broke the bed in half having sex with you then you'd probably be dead. No dick is that good.
11. She gets pregnant after having sex one time and then dies
Is this not that speech from the sex ed class in Mean Girls?
12. All of this happens while she is 18-years-old
Bella marries and has a child with Edward by the time she's 18. If she was my friend I'd tell her she was moving too fast, but as we know now, Bella doesn't have any mates.
13. And Edward is 1000 years old
Oh yeah, not to mention her boyf is thousands of years old and dating a minor (at the start of the movie series). All of the other Cullens managed to find perfectly respectable thousand-year-old vampire boyfriends and girlfriends, why can't he?
14. Jacob falls in love with a baby
Remember the scene where he first sees Renesmee and imprints on her immediately, which essentially means he falls in love with her. Everyone is like "ew" at first but then eventually moves on and makes peace with the fact that Jacob is in LOVE WITH A CHILD.
15. Bella called her baby "Renesmee"
Awful. If my mum called me that I'd kill her from within the womb too.
16. Why is Renesmee a terrifying CGI creation
Apparently, because Renesmee is so fast growing, they wanted her to look more expressive and "intelligent" than a regular new born. So they made this nightmarish thing:
17. Renesmee will stop ageing but Jacob will still age
Let's think of the vampire age structure. They grow up super fast then stop when they're fit and teenaged. Then they stay like that for thousands of years. How? Why? This maths does not add up.
Also, this essentially means Renesmee will reach teenagehood and marry Jacob, but she'll stop ageing and he won't. Meaning that at one point 18-year-old Renesmee will be dating a 70 year old Jacob Black. Imagine seeing that couple in the supermarket. Weird.
18. Bella does not give a single shit about her dad
Charlie, who? Bella basically leaves this guy to fend for himself despite moving to Forks just to be with him. Also at one point she's told that he's in danger of being killed by the evil vampire gang of James and co in the first movie and just doesn't care. She jets off with the Cullens and leaves him in danger. No biggie.
19. All that build up and no one dies
This was the anti-climatic Game of Thrones finale before anyone even cared about Game of Thrones. Everyone was ready to see bloodshed, prepared to see one of their favourite Cullens die and emotionally primed for a FIGHT. And what did we get? A truce. Bullshit. I'm starting a petition to remake Twilight Breaking Dawn Part Two, seven years after release.