The sun is shining, so I bet you’re wondering which ice cream is your uni?
If you don’t agree with what we’ve chosen that’s chill
You know what's great? Summer. The clear blue skies and scorching hot sun during the day, the warm evenings where it doesn't get dark until late.
The only thing that makes summer better is cracking out an icy one on a b-e-a-utiful sunny day.
Something else as guaranteed as the blissful combination of ice cream and sunshine, is that you've definitely wondered if ice creams where UK universities, which would each be?
Nottingham is obviously a Classic Cornetto and Cardiff is clearly a McFlurry. Why? Well read on for the definitive text matching the distinctive personalities of ice creams and universities.
Twister – Manchester
You like to get pretty t w i s t e d on a night out, that’s a given. But what most Manchester students are hiding under their wavy interior is a pretty sickly-sweet privately educated upbringing.
Mini Milk – Sheffield
You just couldn’t choose between a dairy-based ice cream and a juice-based lolly so you had to go for the juvenile middle ground. Mini Milks also sound like a drink you would find in West Street Live.
99 – Durham
Say you were at a dinner party, and someone asked what uni you were at. You panic, and blurt out Durham. Nobody’s impressed, but they all nod approvingly, thinking slightly more of you than if you’d chosen anything else.
Now mirror this with when you go to the ice cream van, panic, and bring back a 99. Great, solid choice. Nothing impressive, not necessarily a crowd pleaser, but reassuringly solid. Nobody’s going to pull you up for getting them a 99.
Also, it’s a longstanding myth that Margaret Thatcher helped invent Mr Whippy, which may or may not have as much grounding in reality as the claim that everyone at Durham is a massive Tory.
99 with flake – Oxbridge
99 with a flake is the OG of ice creams, like Oxbridge are the OG unis and clearly better than the flake-less Durham.
Oxbridge students are also the most likely to flake on a night out because they have an essay to write or just want to kick back with a good book instead.
Fruit Pastille Lollies – Newcastle
Just so colourful, like every type of puffa jacket you see roaming around Jesmond.
Classic Cornetto – Nottingham
If you’ve ever eaten a Cornetto, you’ll know exactly what going to Nottingham is like. A middle-of-the-road journey through some pretty sweet but forgettable stuff, with a hard bit right at the end when you actually have to knuckle down for exams.
Strawberry Cornetto – Loughborough
Loughborough students think they're absolutely classic, but they’re just a bit more in your face and annoying than other unis, much like how a strawberry Cornetto is just that bit too sickly sweet for you to really enjoy it.
It’s not awful but it’s also a bit like we get it that you would have been placed as a country in the Olympics because you can all run quite fast and throw things really far.
Calippo – Glasgow
Glaswegians may take a little while to warm up to you, and can even be a bit difficult. But once they settle down they’re lovely, and really quite fun. Nothing better than knocking back a tasty Calippo shot when it’s all melted at the end, or doing shots with your pal from Glasgow uni.
Lime Calippo – Aberdeen
Slightly more rogue than your usual orange Calippo, Aberdeen students will take you by surprise with how hard they party, even if you end up with a sour taste in the morning.
Calippo Shots – Trent
SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS, EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! – says every Trent student at every possible moment in the day.
McFlurry – Cardiff
All Cardiff students seem to do is tweet: “WISH MACCIES DID DELIVERIES”. Also a McFlurry isn't really a proper ice cream, just like Cardiff isn't a proper university.
Rocket Lollies – Oxford Brookes
People who go to Brookes aren’t there for an education, but simply for a laugh. Fed from the private school system, daddy just told you to apply wherever you like – so why not Oxford – the most spenny place to live in the UK.
But right under his nose you didn’t apply for the actual Oxford, but for Oxford Brookes, because everyone knows it’s 10x more fun to spend your days whizzing around the Cowley Road from Bargain Booze to Bridge, sinking 100 VKs and effectively feeling like a rocket man by the end of it.
And Rocket Lollies are fun, aren’t they! Shaped like a lil space vehicle going whizz whizz in the sky, the whole experience of going to Brookes and eating a rocket lolly is BLOODY GOOD FUN.
Screwball – Leeds
These old school ice cream cups are pretty inaccessible, wavy and always have gum on them. They’re like every edgy blonde girl at Leeds.
Smarties Pop Up – King’s
This university is just so full of smarties, honestly. You munch through the main ice cream thinking there are going to be no more smarties, but there you are, at the end, with a whole bloody tube full of smarties, all on their way to the Strand campus.
White Chocolate Magnum – Liverpool
It’s the most basic ice cream of the lot, but there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Liverpool is the most basic uni in the Russell Group, what with all the marble phone cases, Naked palettes and curlers knocking around. But again, who cares, because at the end of the day everyone fucking loves you.
Milk Choc Magnum – Liverpool John Moores
In the 60s, legendary James Bond actor Roger Moore was a big fan of choc ices, but not a big fan of how sticky they left his fingers. So, he wrote to Walls and told them to put a stick in it, and BAM, the magnum was born.
Now, this isn’t actually true but the fact the rumour exists creates enough of a tenuous link between Roger Moore and John Moores to make the comparison.
Choc Ice – Liverpool Hope
It’s like you’re at John Moores but without a stick up your arse.
Raspberry Magnum – Edinburgh
Raspberry Magnums are that little bit more pretentious than other ice creams, a bit like how Edinburgh sits amongst other British universities. Being bright pink, they’re desperate to be something a little cooler and different than all the other boring white or milk chocolate ice creams, like how Edinburgh students are desperate to differentiate themselves from other Scottish unis by wearing corduroy trousers.
Dark Magnum – St Andrews
What really goes on up in the depths of Scotland at St Andrews? You’ve got to be a particular kind of person to sell yourself to the coast of Scotland, what with all the shit weather and posh people. Kind of like how you have to be a particular type of person to genuinely enjoy eating a Dark Magnum despite other better options being available.
Oreo Sandwich – Bristol
Oreo Sandwiches are a bit weird aren’t they? Like, it was a bit unnecessary of Oreo to make the biscuits into an ice cream, when they already succeed so well at being a biscuit. It’s like a big fake Oreo. Kinda like Bristol students, who bathe in gold and have silly names like Camilla and Posey.
In their natural habitat they do such a good job at being public schooled home counties types, but when they get to uni they pretend to be something they’re really not, and start using words like “calm” and “peak”.
Single Scoop – York
You know what you’re getting with a single scoop cone of vanilla ice cream. It’s probably going to be traditional, vanilla, some would say a little bit boring – just like York.
Solero – Bournemouth
Aesthetic as fuck, Insta feed full of pics of the palm trees which fits with the tropical Solero. No, it’s not on the same level as a Cornetto or a Fab, but the orange swirls in the vanilla ice cream just look so good!
Jubbly – Warwick
A Jubbly is basically an upside down Koan if the Koan was an ice lolly and not a 6 metre tall steel sculpture.
Nobbly Bobbly – UWE
There are literally SO many reasons why UWE are a Nobbly Bobbly:
1. They say the words: "I’m a little bit Nobbly Bobbly mate!!!" in the Motion smoking area.
2. After a night out they like to make their phone screen look as topographically wavy as the surface of a Nobbly Bobbly by chucking loads of weird powders on it.
3. The outfits they wear are never plain, dark colours, but instead resemble a Nobbly Bobbly, all colourful and mismatched.
4. Like a Nobbly Bobbly, UWE students are full of surprises, like how they can function off two hours sleep for the whole of term and still scrape a 2:2.
6. Sure, you’ll have a Nobbly Bobbly, but it’s nobody’s first choice, just like UWE.
Mr Bubble – Exeter
When the ice cream van popped up when mummy wasn’t around, you’d get a Mr Bubble lolly and have to stay silent so she wouldn’t see your blue tongue popping out and know you’d consumed your yearly intake of additives in one go. Oh, and you live in a bubble.
Snickers Ice Cream – Belfast
As the saying goes, "get some nuts", the Snickers marketing team are almost as clueless about women as the O’Neill’s boys around Belfast.
Viennetta – Kent
Not only are Viennetta's soft and thick, just like your average Kent student, but if we're honest who really cares about Viennetta? Pensioners care about Viennetta, and Canterbury is the perfect place for retirees.
The Open University – Ice Lolly Tray
Why bother trekking to the shop every time it’s hot outside and you need to cool off with something from the freezer section? You have your own freezer in your kitchen numbnuts! Easily make your own ice lollies without paying through the nose for the pleasure and from the comfort of your own home.
Fab – Birmingham
"Fab 'N' Fresh" is one of the most iconic SU nights in the UK, and Fabs are one of the most iconic icy refreshments money can buy. The comparison is so simple that if we'd given Birmingham another ice lolly we probably wouldn't be allowed to look ourselves in the mirror anymore and would probably never be able to write a Which X is your uni ever again.
Mars Ice Cream – Imperial
It takes a certain type of person to eat Mars Ice Cream, the type who will stay up late at night on their computer playing moon landing simulators and making a point of not showering. This is basically your average Imperial student – nerdy enough to choose Mars Ice Cream over many superior choices.
Oysters – UCL
Oyster ice cream, Oyster cards, you get it right? Now, go outside and enjoy the rest of the sunshine instead of reading this.