What your British ice cream preference says about you as a person
If it’s a Nobbly Bobbly, the answer isn’t good
I scream. You scream. In fact, we all scream for ice cream.
Yep, ice cream is a formative part of culinary culture for us Brits. Ever since our first summer rolled around we’ve been used to having a Fab jammed in our mouths, sucking on a Solero or munching gleefully on a Magnum or two.
But, now we’re grown, we’ve developed the element of choice – and the ice cream you choose when the days get hotter might say more about you than you’d think. Don’t worry, we’ve spelled it all out for you below.
A classic. You’re probably a decent enough human being but, like the ice cream of your choice, a tad basic.
You’ll still greatly enjoy your Flake 99, as you take to Snapchat to let everyone know the sun’s out with leopard ears and a well-placed temperature sticker.
DOUBLE CONE FLAKE 99
Probably the sort of ice cream Clarkson would order. Was one not enough, you obnoxious piece of shit?
FLAKE 99 IN A SHELL
You’ve only ever been to the ice cream van alone because no-one, not even your own parents, would be associated with you while you eat this miserable abomination.
FLAKE 99 IN A PLASTIC CONE WITH BUBBLEGUM AT THE BOTTOM
Bubblegum, really? Are you still in Year 8? The Flake may be basic, but is still something of a classic – this absolute fuckery tries to improve it but fails miserably.
A plastic cone is yet another terrible shout which speaks volumes about the inadequacy of this ice cream and, thusly, you as a person.
Yeah, fair enough. No problem with that. Good on you.
MARS ICE CREAM
You know what you want and you want what you know. It’s funny, because they’re not even really like Mars bars and they’re not even really that good, yet you’ll happily eat a whole stubborn box.
GALAXY ICE CREAM
A classier choice, your love of Galaxy ice cream isn’t quite enough to compensate for you being the sort of person who likes their own photos on Instagram.
TWIX ICE CREAM
You like Twix and you like ice cream, so naively you thought that this would be a no brainer. Disappointingly, unlike normal Twix bars, you don’t get double the amount with Twix ice cream. You’re nice enough, but downright gullible.
SNICKERS ICE CREAM
You thought the Snickers adverts with Mr T were the funniest thing in the world, and you think the presence of nuts in a Snickers bar will contribute to your gym gains.
On a hot day, you take your top off on the train, in the park, in the supermarket. No-one asked you to, and no-one can be arsed to tell you to put it back on.
MALTESERS ICE CREAM
You are a middle-aged woman.
BOUNTY ICE CREAM
People rinse you for your left-of-centre choices, but you’re the type of person who sticks to their guns. You like desiccated coconut and you fucking love it when there’s only Bountys left in a Celebration box, which is very, very often.
Right on. Stand up for what you believe in.
FRUIT PASTILLES LOLLY
You’re famously fickle, a non-committal waste of space who will categorically cancel on plans or, halfway down an ice lolly, realise you can’t be arsed with any of the stripes which aren’t purple or orange.
Your mum wouldn’t buy the Fruit Pastilles lolly, so this will have to do.
It’s socially unacceptable to drink a carton of Ribena if you’re over the age of 12, and it’s even more unacceptable to eat a Ribena lolly unironically.
OREO ICE CREAM SANDWICH
You’re extremely easily led, and the branding and the packaging have led you to ruin.
Now you have a mouthful of what tastes like clod and feels like cement, and everyone around you is enjoying their Calippos and laughing.
HARIBO POP UP
Some things aren’t meant to be done, like wearing socks and Crocs or tucking your shirt into your high-waisted cargo shorts or eating a Haribo Pop Up ice cream in public.
You, unfortunately, do all three.
Your mum still packs your lunch for you.
SMARTIES POP UP
Your mum still gives you pocket money.
“Ice cream” which is barely ice cream, for those with a milky complexion and a milky approach to life. You will eat it in the shade, away from the fun, with a damp flannel on your forehead.
Oh my god, remember these? Fucking Ice Pops man! Remember the blue ones? Good times, man. Good times.
If you’re happy enough to eat these sweaty ice cream feet, you probably suck people’s toes as foreplay. Each to their own?
Also referred to as a “rocket lolly,” it’s colourful and shows that you have a fun side. Still, you probably get sat at the kids’ table at weddings.
M&M ICE CREAM
You are literally an eight-year-old child.
Oh fucking grow up.
A decent ice lolly, and a moderately impressive attempt at being exotic – although the most exotic things you’ll ever do are go to Ayia Napa and listen to the original version of Despacito.
Like a lifelong soldier left without a war, you long for the “good old days” with misty-eyed nostalgia. The summers of your youth; the sweet spring afternoons when your joints were more supple and your love was more fierce and the shops still stocked Solero Shots.
You are a widower, and Solero Shots were your widow; in dreams, you can sometimes still taste them. On waking, no amount of wishing will bring them back.
Look at you, you are SO fabulous! The sprinkles; the cheeky chocolate; the vibrant pink. Work it, kween.
Your dad buys Original Magnums.
There’s never a doubt in your superior mind, especially when it comes to ice cream choices. The white magnum is sophisticated, classy and delicious – just like you.
You don’t spend a lot of time outside.
Manliness level: Still owning old copies of Nuts magazine and liking every single subdivision of the LAD Bible on Facebook.
Manliness level: Only eating your breakfast with a pint of Guinness in English pubs when you go on holiday in the Med.
Manliness level: Bottling up all your emotions until, at 50, you become a bleary-eyed, shuddering mess. You weep into a crumpled pile of ice cream wrappers as you lament the fact you long ago alienated all of your now-adult sons with your tough love and misplaced bravado.
They don’t pick up the phone when you call; tearfully, you unwrap another jumbo-sized Maxibon Cookie.
What the fuck is wrong with you??
Hot Fuzz came out 10 years ago, mate. No-one gets the joke any more.
It’s an ice cream AND an ice lolly. If you’re a fan of this you’re a fan of other great things: common sense being one of them.
It cools you on a hot day, and it’s not going to drip down your wrist like a creamy Magnum. You’re not a moron, and you pity those who make bad choices in the queue in front of you.
BEN & JERRY’S
You’re American, aren’t you?
You’re fancy, and you don’t care who knows it. Either that or you’re back at your country pile in Surrey for the summer and you follow mum round on her supermarket shops because you don’t have any real friends to hang out with.
You’re in a corner shop and they haven’t got any Häägen-Dazs, but you’re still going to fork out for some Carte d’Or, AKA the good stuff, because you have a date coming round later and you’re like 80 per cent sure you’re gonna shag if you play your cards right.
KELLY’S CORNISH ICE CREAM
You see nothing wrong with spending a bit extra for the full, oh-so-authentic Cornish ice cream experience. None of that processed muck for you.
You like the countryside, a good National Trust hike, and the phrase “Brexit means Brexit.”
WHEYHEY PROTEIN ICE CREAM
This is ice cream without the fun, which is the social equivalent of what you are: a preening fitness nut who’d rather spend the evening at home shirking sugar than interacting with normal, unhealthily-inclined human beings.
Are you at a children’s party?
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