‘Monsters are real’: Types of Newcastle men as horror movie characters

Newcastle is famed for its nightlife, but anyone who has survived a Saturday night in the Toon knows that the real terror doesn’t happen on screen – it’s staggering towards you outside Bigg Market Chippy at 3:00am.

Forget Hollywood monsters: If you’ve ever dated a lad from Jesmond, or tried to survive a conversation in the smoking area of Tup Tup, you’ve already starred in your own psychological thriller.

From the supernatural entities immune to sub-zero temperatures to the parasitic creatures sucking the life out of their overdraft, here is a definitive guide to the types of Newcastle boys you’ll meet, reimagined as the horror movie monsters they truly are.

The bedroom DJ siren

This bassline enchanter resides in a dark LED-lit box room in Jesmond or Heaton. His altar is his bedroom desk holding a pair of DDJ-400 decks, a single cracked monitor speaker, and an empty can of Cruzcampo.

Appearing from a faint cloud of vape smoke, he’ll be wearing an oversized vintage sports jacket, baggy cargos, and the filthiest pair of Samba trainers you’ve seen.

Once you’ve entered his cave, he’ll trap you with a four hour trance of repetitive loops and disappointing drop buildups.

The worst bit? You can never leave, because he insists the next transition will change your life.  

Pennywise the third year (feeding on the naïveté of freshers)

While most students move onto house parties and pub trips in their final year, this boy refuses to leave the hunting grounds of his youth. Returning every September to feed on the naïve innocence of fresh meat, this boy dwells exclusively in the trenches of Tropicana, Digi, or the Students’ Union during Freshers’ Week.

A major threat to vulnerable 18-year-olds still finding their way around the Toon, this clown will crumble when he sees someone his own age in the club, or is asked what his graduation plans are.

Dracula on the door (the nocturnal VIP promoter who refuses to see daylight)

He is the ultimate prince of darkness. You’ll find him haunting Soho’s VIP lounge or lurking around The Social Club, luring freshers in with the promises of a table and free entry.

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On a strict diet of dark spirits or whatever free drinks he can charm out of the bartenders, the only way to survive this Count Dracula is to look him dead in the eye and say, “I’m already on someone else’s guest list.”

The werewolf of West Jes

During the day, he walks in Waitrose like a respectable country gent, but come Wednesday night, he transforms into an unruly, howling beast.

Swapping the likes of flat whites in Local for red pints in Blanc, he travels exclusively in a pack (the rest of his rugby team), knocking over drinks. Avoid this antagonist by retreating to any environment that doesn’t sell pints.

3am Ghostface

Constantly lit by the eerie blue glow of his cracked iPhone screen, where he is frantically scrolling through his contacts to find a target, this villain hunts when you’re most vulnerable.

It’s the end of the night: The club lights have turned on, and you’re waiting outside for your Uber driver. The terrifying “u out? x” notification comes through, and suddenly, the reasons why you stopped seeing this boy are forgotten.

He always claims he’s “right outside,” which usually means he’s shivering near Market Shaker, waiting to join you in the Uber he’s never going to pay you back for. Best to just keep your phone on DND.

The next time you hear a raspy voice note after hours, see a pack of chino-wearers on Osborne Road, or get offered a free guest list wristband, don’t say you weren’t warned. Stay safe out there – monsters are real, and they’re buying the next round of Jägerbombs.

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