15 guaranteed signs in a university student’s room that he’s a total f***boy

Happy Freshers’ Week! To help you get the crack on everyone in your halls, here a 15 guaranteed signs in a university student’s room that he’s a total f***boy. Of course, you’re welcome to get closer to him anyway… just make sure to bring your own towels x

1. Traffic cone

A trophy collection

“Oh my goodness, you have a traffic cone and a pint glass from Spoons? What an brave, daring, heroic adventurer you are! I’m so impressed,” gasps no girl, ever.

2. Unwashed bowl

Ewww

You hope the green and white flecks are remnants of pesto pasta, and not an undiscovered microorganism.

3. Poorly-explained photos of girls on the pinboard

“Oh, that’s just my really good friend from home. We went travelling after A-Levels to find ourselves, in Magaluf. I have loads of female friends, because I value women as people. Her name’s… er… Al-something?” 

4. Guitar

Wow, he really thought he could sing you into bed

He can only play two songs: Three Blind Mice and Wonderwall by Oasis.

5. Protein powder

He’s prioritising his health this term. That’s why he bought a 2kg vat of chocolate protein powder (but no vegetables).

6. *Cult classic* film posters

How original!

Hey, he put those Quentin Tarantino posters on the wall because cinema is an unappreciated art! Not because he likes looking at Uma Thurman.

7. Navy sheets, with only one pillow

Tragically, he thinks navy bedding is unusual and sophisticated. Bonus points if the sheets contain crumbs (or worse).

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8. Empty vodka bottles

Pft, beer is basically water

I bet his mother drank the lot four years ago on a casual Tuesday afternoon, but he displays the bottles like trophies to appear tough as nails.

9. Performative male book

He has one whole book – a copy of Wuthering Heights he bought for his GCSEs (because he thought it was the same as Jane Eyre). The book is displayed prominently opposite the door, to demonstrate what an erudite feminist he is.

10. Groceries, just stored there

Now, why might somebody be avoiding the shared kitchen already?

11. One sad teddy bear 

“Oh, he’s not that bad,” you’ll your friends the next day, “he owns a Jellycat!” You’ve fallen into his trap.

12. Lava lamp

Like flames and moths, lava lamps lure in f***boys. They’re also likely to have a light-up speaker they whip out at pres. 

13. Lynx

At this point, Lynx Africa body spray should just be renamed Eau de F***boy.

14. Sports stash

His go-to fit is Adidas sliders, and a puffer jacket with the logo of some university sports society. Playing the sport is optional. Sharking freshers on sports night is not.

15. Tissues by the bed

Don’t ask.

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