If you do these 9 things on Valentine’s Day, I’m afraid you’re a certified posh girlie

Valentine’s Day / Galentine’s Day / that annual existential crisis day is nearly upon is. If you do at least half of these nine things over the Valentine’s Day weekend, then you’re definitely a posh girlie. There’s no point lying to yourself. You’d better get back to buying gifts in the Fortnum & Mason sale.

You booked up a mega-fancy restaurant weeks ago

No Nandos for you! If each glass of wine doesn’t cost more then the minimum wage, then the atmosphere simply isn’t romantic enough for you and your beau Hamish Hugo Huntingdon-Hawkins. If there aren’t golden candlesticks on the table then the Valentine’s Day meal won’t look as posh on your Instagram story and then there’s literally no point in being in a relationship.

A Bridget Jones marathon is an annual tradition

I bet the paint is all Farrow & Ball (Image via Netflix)

Now, the point of rom-coms is that they’re idealistic and you get swept up in the fantasy of it all. If you worship Bridget Jones because you find her super relatable, then that’s because you’re posh and deluded.

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News flash: I’m afraid it’s not normal to live in a split-level apartment in central London by yourself. Or waltz into a TV career with no work experience because your mother is on the shopping channel. Or have a long-term family acquaintance called Mark Darcy who earns upwards of 100 grand a year and went to Eton and whose parents basically live in a stately home. Or have friends who all sound like they learned English by watching documentaries about the royal family. Saying “Omg I’m such a Bridget Jones” is just saying “Omg I’m so posh and don’t realise it”.

You decorate your communal kitchen with silly heart decorations

Er, yes it looks cute if you deck the kitchen with string of paper hearts. But it’s also a clue that you have more money than sense, and aren’t used to tidying up after yourself.

Bonus points if you buy a Valentine’s rose-scented heart-shaped candle. They’re for people who literally have money to burn.

A low-maintenance link sends you spenny presents

“Oh, Freddie and I aren’t putting labels on our relationship just yet,” Tatiana Fitzroy-Selfridges drawls, “we’re keeping it so low-key. He just sent me a little hamper of Fortnum & Mason Moët, and some little diamond earrings from Tiffany’s. So casual.”

The Tab has a guide to emergency less posh and more normal Valentine’s Day gifts, btw.

Your mother sends you flowers which cost more than a house in the north

If a bouquet doesn’t cost upwards of twenty quid then there must be something wrong with it

Your family has so much disposable income that they buy each other presents for holidays that nobody else remembers the date of. No supermarket roses for you – your mother sends you a seasonal bouquet of all-British carnations and clematises from the local florist in your village in Surrey.

You host an overly elaborate Galentine’s Day brunch

Think homemade guacamole and poached eggs with kimchi on seeded sourdough toast, lattes from an actual coffee machine, and buttloads of prosecco. The meal might as well be sponsored by Deliciously Ella. If you serve your shakshuka on heart-patterned plates, then you clearly have more money than logic, because you’re only going to use that heart-shaped crockery once. Max.

Even better, you spend a small fortune on bottomless brunch at a restaurant 

Don’t get me wrong, bottomless brunch can be terrific value for money if you’re the only group in the restaurant and you flirt with the waiting staff so they bring you a good 8-10 rounds of cocktails. But if you’ve booked to go on one of the busiest days of the year, it’s likely to cost you more and you’ll get less alcohol for your money. Bonus poshness kudos if the brunch is preceded by some overpriced Galentines-themed craft class.

Fun, but not cost effective

You actually buy people Galentine’s cards

Buying real cards for Valentine’s Day is a sure sign you’re a posh girlie. Three quid for a piece of paper someone will chuck in the recycler after a week? Babes just send your significant other a silly gif and save some money.

Never mind Valentine’s Day, because you’re not in the UK for it

Can’t face being all single and sad on Valentine’s Day while your housemates all shag their situationships simultaneously? Why not just book a trip out the country? It’s peak ski season, darling, and if you go up to the family chalet this week then your sweet little cousins Petronella and Chappelle-Röanne Bridgerton-Austen will be there for half-term.