From Bongos to the Hive, here’s what your favourite Edinburgh night out says about you

WhyNot fans, look away

3 months ago

Edinburgh might be known for its cobble streets and rich history, but a true admirer of the city could never forget its nightlife. As much as I would love to say that I am a retired party-goer, my bank account says otherwise, that’s why I’ve taken it upon myself to let you know what your favourite Edinburgh night out says about you. Have a read, have a laugh but prepare to be humbled…

Subway (Cowgate)

You like to play it safe and that’s respectable. Fans of Subway know what they’re looking for and are going to get exactly that – a fun night out and a disgraceful overdraft from when the one venom turns into seven. A special mention to those of you who like to go on a Tamagotchi Tuesday, some may call your music taste basic, but if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

This is what I mean when I say Subway fans know what they want

The Hive

The scariest thing about Hive is not the stench of damp and sweat but rather the people who go there by choice. You guys do know that free will exists right?? That being said I can’t diss you too hard. I admire the lengths you would go to for a cheap drink. Just like your favourite club, you manage to thrive in the most unbearable settings.

Bongos

All the mega-famous actors who also auditioned for each Wicked role

Right, here’s how popstar priest Reverend Richard Coles made his secretly whopping fortune

People have spotted a huge I’m A Celeb editing error proving a bushtucker trial was staged

I mean this in the nicest possible way but if your favourite Edinburgh night out is at Bongos, you scare me. Your aggressive dancing, your insane outfits and your unwavering adrenaline all lead me to believe you were the intimidating kid in school, who wasn’t outwardly popular but everyone still wanted to be you. From a girl whose ideal night out consists of singing to ABBA and leaving the club 30 minutes before it closes to get a burrito, take this as a compliment, you are far too cool for me.

The Bongo’s lighting is the ulimate wingman

Big Cheese

Do people genuinely say that Big Cheese is their favourite night out?? Unless you’re under the age of 18, I don’t think I can let this one slide. You definitely peaked at your primary school disco and are desperately trying to relive the “glory days” of drinking juice boxes and doing the Macarena. Go outside, touch some grass and get to bed before 10pm because childish is what you are.

The gorgeous smiles of two people who didn’t end up in Big Cheese x

WhyNot

You’re either one of two things. a serial misogynist or a trust-fund baby. WhyNot may feel like one of the more boujee clubs in Edinburgh, with its expensive entry and multiple rooms but one interaction with a WhyNot fanboy in the LED room will make you change your mind. If WhyNot is your favourite club, I offer you a cheaper and healthier alternative – sobriety!

Me dissing every club in Edinburgh, knowing full well that my camera roll looks like this:

Dropkick Murphys

You are my ideal person. You’re laid back but still know the right places to have fun. People who like Dropkicks know that the real way to have a class night out is not to buy a £500 club ticket but fail to split the G about 20 times in a row. Maybe I’m biased, maybe I love the Irish, but Dropkicks lovers, they could never make me hate you.