Ranking the top five ‘Cambridge colleges as…’ lists

There’s a Camfess, article or post titled ‘Cambridge colleges as…’ released at least twice a month in Cambridge. These lists include anything from whatever is popular right now to regions on a five-way venn diagram, western music chords or colleges as ‘themselves but put through every language on Google Translate’.

I’m ranking these Tab ‘colleges as’ rankings on how creative and accurate they are; let the games begin!

5. Harry Potter characters

Kicking off this list with something which I’d reject if a writer proposed it today, we’ve got an ancient relic: colleges as Harry Potter characters. This article is ten years of age and even then I was worried Eddie’s students wouldn’t take kindly to being described as “allegedly a tiny bit racist” (please don’t send complaints I didn’t write that article it’s a fossil).

Oh boy. This one was written by someone who hates Cambridge, students, university and Harry Potter.

Tit Hall was described as “headbangingly annoying”, which is not the first phrase which comes to my mind upon imagining Dobby from Harry Potter.

They called my college (Peterhouse) twats… Trust me we insult it enough already.

Also if Peterhouse existed 200+ years before Christ’s, how can Christ’s be Lucius Malfoy and Peterhouse his son? Do your research if you’re going to write something for our highly esteemed publication.

Catz was Crookshanks – because he’s a cat? No. Because the author of the article somehow did not know anything about a college which is literally right next to Kings Parade.

This one is at the bottom of the list, because if you’re going to be mean you should at least be right.

4. Buzzfeed articles

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I was sceptical about this one, especially because I was hit with ‘Girton Far’, ‘Christ’s nerdy’ and ‘postgraduate colleges are unimportant’ in the first minute of reading.

It was unfortunately pretty entertaining, despite the stereotypes.

I never thought I’d be able to relate to a Churchill student, but here we are – Godspeed, sister.

The smile that doesn’t meet the eyes – this article is making me believe I’m an empath

My room was next door to the Engineering Fac. Me too girl, me too.

My DOS would NOT like the part about Emma (bold claims). While academics may not like “You are false, Emma, false and empty”, I sure do.  I also like that the writer actually knew Homerton is the immortal source of teachers, flowing from the college like a crystal clear spring.

I feel like towards the middle of the article the writer was beginning to regret committing to writing this article. Fitzwilliam didn’t even get a Buzzfeed article.

However, things pick back up with a healthy dose of John’s slander to brighten up my day – I really would like to know what it’s like to be a sexist man, so maybe I should write an interview piece with a John’s boy.

This was followed by Trinity slander (this is their punishment for being so humble and modest). Trinity slander is the love of my life next to Caius rower slander and the academic journal Shakesqueer.

This article was funny but also really aggressive – thus its position in fourth.

3. Songs with Women’s names in the titles

Despite not being highest on the list, I thoroughly enjoyed this one too!

However it does warn it is “solely based off vibes”, and it definitely delivered on that front.

We begin with a good old Trinity and Kings= fancy choice – Lady Lynda by the Beach Boys. A pretty standard ranking, can’t go wrong.

Next we move on to the mature/ postgraduate colleges, which all got lumped into being old (I’m sorry). However the song choice was Stacy’s Mom, so maybe it’s actually a compliment? Or sexual harassment?

Corpus Clock slander is my life blood – “Billie Jean is a crazy attention seeker and, correct me if I’m wrong, I don’t think there exists a more attention-seeking clock than the Corpus Clock”.

We also have Peterhouse= old, Girton= far, Homerton= slightly less far and Selwyn= near Sidge – I wonder how long these jokes have existed for. Someone needs to allow them the peace of death.

I enjoyed the “rogue” pairing of Sidney Sussex and Helena by My Chemical Romance. The reasoning? “It is the college where chaotic stuff happens to it”. I also loved Clare as Roxanne by the Police – I can’t describe it but it feels right.

This one I liked, but the competition was just too fierce!

2. Taylor Swift albums

For some reason this article seems to symbolise the Tab as a whole to the Cambridge population. Whenever I mention The Tab Cambridge people say ‘ohhhhh the one with colleges as Taylor Swift albums’.

This article starts off strong with the clarification it is not written by Taylor herself (we’re combating misinformation one top 10 list at a time).

This one keeps going strong by not forgetting mature colleges exist.

I like how Red (Taylor’s Version) is literally just linked to colleges associated with the colour. It’s silly and I support that. Haha Robinson red brick.

Newnham is also non-negotiably Folklore and I’m not even a Swiftie.

The association of Lover with overlooked colleges was very interesting, and linking Caius’ reputation for having lots of medics to Long Live is actually pretty creative as well.

I’ve deducted one place for complimenting the Corpus Clock, and the other for Fitz being Fearless (Taylor’s Version) because it begins with ‘F’ (what about Folklore…).

1. Colleges in 1984

This one was both oddly specific and well researched – I was sceptical this article was actually written during term; how do you have this much time???

This wasn’t the only question I had – why 1984 specifically? How did the writer manage to do this much research alongside their degree?

My journalistic curiosity was satisfied upon reading “we cannot be at our colleges right now, this article might go some way to fill the college-sized hole in our hearts” – it was written during the pandemic. Thus they had Orwell on their mind and an unhealthy quantity of free time.

Jesus in 1984 appeared to just be Caius in 2024 – they spent their time “bellowing in the college bar, imbibing, vomiting” and “letting off fire extinguishers”. Apparently, according to the 1984 Varsity Handbook, “mothers would have locked up their daughters to keep them from Jesus boaties”.

Giving this article instant points for quotes and research – this isn’t just college stereotypes – it’s research into the history of college stereotypes, which is infinitively cooler.

Not only was this article well-researched, but it also had two parts! It introduced me to the stereotypes of Magdalene men wearing green wellies, 1980s Trinity pick-me girls and Clare Fellows promoting sex in college.

It seems Churchill didn’t change – the STEM students still dress like they’re incapable of walking to the charity shop.

Medwards (or ‘New Hall’ as it was then known) was perhaps my favourite on the list – Medwards girls were witches, “flying down castle hill” and terrorising the male students. Let’s bring it back, I say.

My original gripe with this list is that the writer forgot that Lucy Cav existed – I did my own cursory search and realised it had only existed as an official college for a few years when the 1984 Varsity Handbook was written, so I’ll forgive them.

Overall, this one was definitely the most fun and Cambridge-y of all (who does research for a Tab article? Neek).

Related articles recommended by this writer:

• Cambridge University partially bans relationships between students and staff
• This is which Cambridge college the cast of Bridgerton would go to
• If The Traitors contestants were Cambridge students, this is what college they’d be in