Sorry but Pumpkin patches are not only basic, they’re the biggest scam going

Right then, I absolutely love Halloween. I love everything that comes with it, spooky films, house parties, everything. BUT there is one thing I absolutely cannot stand and it’s the pumpkin patch era that we find ourselves in right now and we need to talk about it.

You can’t open Insta without being bombarded by people you sat next to in geography at school posing in a bobble hat with a pumpkin. Like, every single one I’ve seen has been against my will.

Going to a pumpkin patch has quickly become the ultimate autumn and spooky season pilgrimage and just the Halloween equivalent of Winter Wonderland. But you cannot convince me that any part of it is fun? I do however fear that this whole phenomenon really is all Zoella’s fault.

But here is why your basic Halloween pumpkin patch trip is actually just hell on earth:

I did not realise the whole pumpkin picking phenomenon was coming to a field where people have placed pumpkins to pick them up. We are quite, quite mad. pic.twitter.com/UQ7HhMlhCS

— Rob (@bertnews) October 22, 2023

In probably the biggest scam going, when you go pumpkin picking, you’re not actually doing any of the picking. Instead some poor farmer has already picked it and placed it down in a muddy field for you to run along, pick it up and take all the credit!

I’m sure some pumpkin patches are actually genuine but when you think about it, it’s actually quite mad. Like you pay a decent amount to practically just go an pose with a vegetable in a freezing cold field. Like it wouldn’t surprise me if you’re paying 20 quid for a £4 pumpkin from Aldi to be honest.

Maybe I’m just the Halloween equivalent of the Grinch but I genuinely couldn’t think of anything worse than dragging myself to a muddy field full of screaming kids to pick up a large vegetable, take a picture with it and then leave.

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Don’t even get me started on how manky most of the pumpkins in the fields actually are too. Most of the time they’re not actually carvable and are just mouldy or all squished with the insides oozing out. Yummy.

But every year you get uni students absolutely begging their housemates with a car to drive them to a bloody pumpkin patch because without a doubt they’re a million miles away from your uni city. So undoubtedly every group you see has at least two people who genuinely just do not want to be there. But is it really Halloween unless you manage to bag 100 likes on Insta with your autumnal vibes?

Speaking of not wanting to be there though, I wonder how many boyfriends have been dragged along in matching flannel shirts and wooly hats by their girlfriends. They get forced to hold  pumpkin spice lattes whilst they watch their girlfriends piss around in a wheelbarrow trying to be candid. I’ve had enough of it!

As well as that, you’ve also just got a load of screaming kids added into the mix which are always guaranteed to just make everything worse. There is nothing I’d rather listen to less than a child moaning because all the pumpkins are tiny and shit.

So, please just stop pretending that pumpkin picking is fun and just grab a pumpkin from Tesco and be done with it, I beg.

Related stories recommended by this writer:

• We asked ChatGPT for the best student Halloween costumes and they’re so 2012 it hurts

• Every type of basic biatch you’ll meet at the pumpkin patch this year

• These are 2023’s hottest Halloween costumes according to Depop and Pinterest