Which famous literary character is your uni?

Apologies, there may be potential spoilers for English Literature students who haven’t finished Biff and Chip yet.

Aberdeen – Moby Dick

Much like the average inhabitant, huge, pale, often with questionable temperament. You’re not likely to bump into it so it’s best just to leave it alone, in the middle of nowhere.

Aberystwyth – Robinson Crusoe

All alone in the middle of fucking nowhere, there’s always the hope of friendly salvation but no one knows where to come and find you.

Aston – Tom Chitling

He’s from the same story as Oliver Twist/Birmingham but you don’t remember him, know who he is or, more importantly, care.

Bath – Cinderella

Much like Bath, the name carries a story of unjust oppression and the scornful disdain of your Russell group family, you’re part of it but you’re not. There’s always time to find the local Prince Charming at MNB, you’ll probably end up leaving that party early as well though.

Birmingham – Oliver Twist

Birmingham’s red brick begs something Dickensian. You think grubby street urchin but actually, on closer inspection, he’s well spoken and intelligent, it’s just a shame about his surroundings.

Bristol – Willy Wonka

You seem to be high as fuck but manage to maintain some level of success, that is until your ‘candy’ gets the better of you and you need mummy and daddy for golden tickets. Let’s be honest though, you’ve been dressing weirdly and licking wallpapers long before Willy Wonka did. “Pass us the Everlasting Schnozstopper mate?”

Cambridge – Sherlock Holmes

The unforgiving know-it-all, everyone admits that you’re intelligent, there’s no denying it, but unfortunately you like to flaunt it. You’re slightly socially reclusive and generally a bit weird.

Durham – Jay Gatsby

On the outside, a lavish existence, but it’s not all champagne and caviar. There’s something missing, Daisy or an Oxbridge place? Luckily for you, at Durham, you’ll find one of them, unfortunately for you it’s Daisy.

Edinburgh – Hermione Granger

You’re more intelligent than the rest of the Scottish universities perhaps even a little pretentious. You find their company deeply tiresome.

Edinburgh Napier – Ron Weasley

You’re just that dim character whom Hermione/Edinburgh is simply embarrassed of most of the time.

Essex – Nancy

Streetwise kinda girl who can handle herself, only it’s easier to get into Essex than into Nancy.

Exeter – Miss Moneypenny

Intelligent and suave, you’re not exactly shabby. Most of you probably do some minor modelling to pass the time. At the end of the day though you just kind of sit there waiting to be fucked by an agent.

Glasgow – Grendel

Described by some as human like in form but there are many stories. What is definite is that it’s terrifying and doesn’t speak in a way that we would understand.

Hull – Frankenstein’s Monster

An attempt to make life from something dead they created a monster, wisely avoided by all. Maybe there is some good inside, probably not though and no one is risking finding out…

Imperial – Draco Malfoy

Whether you like it or not you’re doing what your parents want you to and joining the Death Eaters/city workers.

King’s – Iago

You’re Othello’s/UCL’s Lieutenant but he didn’t choose you and you’ll always be resentful.

Kingston – Biff, Chip and Kipper

Don’t try to run before you can walk.

Lancaster – Jean Valjean

“Who am I?” The smallest snippet of dialogue from Les Miserables sums you up. Who are you? You’re actually not that bad but no one really knows who you are. 2-4-6-0-1? Sounds like people were asked to rate Lancaster out of ten.

Leeds – Raoul Duke

You need a pseudonym or an eccentric new personality, that’s why you’ve gone to Leeds and why Hunter S. Thompson created this character in Fear and Loathing. Plus there’s Raoul Duke’s merciless state of narcotic intoxication.

Leeds Trinity & Leeds Beckett – Mr & Mrs Twit

This shouldn’t need too much explaining. At least one of you is good at sport, yay for you.

Leicester – Tom Ripley

If you can’t be great, why not just pretend to be? Also, you’re really dangerous.

Lincoln – Mary Lennox

Troubled, sickly and unloved, in a strange building, with people she’s never met, all in a location unknown to her, this is what it must feel like going here. The Secret Garden? The only secret is why anyone would choose it, especially after you saw these adverts.

Liverpool, JMU & Hope – Captain Haddock, Thomson and Thompson

Are you intelligent? Maybe just by association. The other two just have stupid names but in reality no one knows the difference and neither of you really adds much to the greater story of things.

LSE – Mr Darcy

You’re from a good family, you’re always looking smart and you’ve got loads of money; but you’re a bit uptight and boring.

Loughborough – Tarzan

Whilst you have your animalistic characteristics when it comes to winning BUCS, you’re the human among the gorillas/other successful sporting universities, not sure what the difference is there.

Manchester – Hannibal Lecter

“I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice gram of Ketamine.” Extremely intelligent holding a profound appreciation for music; you’re also so alternative that you’re willing to try anything new on the scene. Their brains? Pure ecstasty.

Newcastle – Robin Hood

“Three trebles fur a fiva?! That’s a reet fookin’ steel”

Your definition of stealing from the rich involves welcoming swathes of posh southern children to come join the merry men of the Toon and spend a boat load of wonga. The likelihood of picking up Maid Marian is also pretty high.

Northumbria – Little John

You’re Robin Hood’s/Newcastle’s original enemy, a constant reminder for Robin that he’s still a little posho. But when it boils down to it, you’re both in it together. You love a good old booze and a proper barney.

Nottingham – George Milton

Just trying to exist in a dangerous place, you’re frustrated. You had the potential to be in a better position right now and you almost had it. Your anger at being where you are soon subsides when you look at Lennie and see how lucky you are.

Nottingham Trent – Lennie Small

George doesn’t really hate you, his life wouldn’t be complete without you or Varsity. The pair of you are mates and you tease each other, it’s just that you don’t really understand it and you just follow him around.

Oxford – Dr Watson

Technically number two to Sherlock, but you write the story. An intelligent rugby playing veteran, a proper gentleman who also doesn’t dress like a cretin.

Oxford Brookes – Bertie Wooster

Nonchalant wastrels who live off family money and get up to whatever they want. Cheney is just like boarding school all over again, what ho! You can go shooting with Gussie Cheeseforeskin and Rupert Itch-Sphincter.

Royal Agricultural College – Toad of Toad Hall

He owns a horse and has a propensity to indulge in country sports. Resourceful and eccentric, one of his few concerns resides in his Harris tweed suits and his family home of Toad Hall.

Royal Holloway – Count Dracula

Tends to hide in the shadows and no one really knows if it exists. It will occasionally swallow up one of your mates as well. Not sure if they even go out at night though.

Sheffield – Tigger

Bouncing is what Tiggers do best and you show this in Corp, just stop constantly saying you can do things that you can’t, like being as good as Leeds.

Southampton – Ivanhoe

Whilst from a noble family, you sit in the middle of the feudal system being distinctly mediocre in your abilities. Oh well, Jesters will always perform for you.

St Andrews – Harry Potter

I mean yeah you’re great and everything, but you’re quite boring and people primarily like you because you’re a main character and they feel they have to. Americans are also obsessed with you.

Strathclyde – Mark Renton, Trainspotting

Heroin, lots of it.

Sunderland – Eeyore

A grey, pessimistic and gloomy ass; why though? It’s not like you’re stuffed donkeys…

UCL – Othello

Eloquent, powerful and well respected. There’s nothing to worry about, but there will always be those niggling insecurities. It’s fine though, you never wanted a place at LSE anyway.

UCLan – Javert, Les Miserables

Bitterly looking for Jean Valjean.

UEA – Quasimodo

It’s only because you’re near Norwich, I’m sure you’re all alright.

UWE – Huckleberry Finn

“The juvenile pariah of the village…idle, and lawless, and vulgar, and bad.” Everyone thinks you’re a bit grubby and they’re better than you because you’re normally dressed like tramps, but fuck it, you don’t care. Always being adventurous, whether its with illicit substances or whatever else, you’re normally having fun.

Warwick – Dr Faustus

You’re on the quest for eternal knowledge and you’re very intelligent, unfortunately you sold your soul to Meph-UCAS-eles and you’ve ended up in a place where there isn’t much too look forward to.

York – Scarlett O’Hara, Gone with the Wind

“Marriage, fun? Fiddle-dee-dee. Fun for men you mean.” Brimming with uber-feminism. Straying away from the rest of her well to do Southern counterparts, Scarlett isn’t massively about that party scene. All she wanted was the one thing she can’t have, Ashley Wilkes/a Durham offer.