Does anyone really care about YUSU Elections?

They come around every year, and every year it’s no different: a group of over-energetic candidates telling you all the things they will most definitely not be able to achieve.

YUSU elections mean the return of the cardboard campus – all those boxes you used to move your stuff in that you thought you threw away are bestowed upon us all, taped to posts, railings, and dormant bikes all round the university.

If you freshers thought our campus couldn’t get any uglier than before, prepare yourselves for the addition of soggy cardboard with ink running off it to give our campus a more derelict ambience with just a hint of negligence.

The absolute worst is when they stand at the front of your lectures before they begin, with everyone simply looking at them in a state of uninterested perplexity – why are they here? Are they taking today’s lecture? I mean that’s taking the cuts a bit too far surely?

No, they’re just there to bore you with all their policies about lecture capture, loanable bikes and sports funding – but all you’re really focusing on is that red patch of skin on the back of their hand where they’ve vigorously scrubbed off the Salvo stamp from last night.

It’s the guy in the middle, we think

We arrive on time to our lectures to get the handouts and to get the optimum napping seats, not to hear all about the policies that “will be implemented” – yeah, so much for £20 free printing credits every term, I’ll go add my own money to it shall I, and add that to my university debts.

Each candidate will come up with a questionable slogan that exploits your favourite song and taints it forever – last year Let It Go was ruined, now it seems it may be Uptown Funk on the way to destruction.

An infestation of cardboard

You’ll notice a sudden barrage of Facebook profile pictures with slogan banners on them as well – oh yeah, Julie changed her profile picture to say ‘Vote For Beev’ so I’m automatically compelled to vote. Somehow I don’t think David Cameron got his fellows to change their pictures online – ‘Everyone’s Fave #SaveDave’.

What’s the campaign, exactly?

So whilst you’re walking through campus, try to avoid the rogue cardboard blowing in whichever storm we’re in the midst of at the moment, and if any of the candidates ask if you’ve voted for them – just tell them you’re part of FemSoc and you’ll get automatic exemption out of pure fear and apprehension.