How many kisses should you put on the end of a text?

When I first got a phone, texts cost 10p a go, and every character mattered. If it slipped over into two texts then you’d painstakingly go back through and abbreviate. About became bout or abt if you were really hard-hit. Tomorrow became 2mo and school became skl. Then at the end came the obligatory tb (text back) because otherwise how would they know to reply?

Texting and messaging has evolved from those days. Pay as you go has become contract. Texting has become Whatsapping and writing tb has just become a single kiss, or more, depending on who it is. But how many kisses should you put at the end of a message, and when, and why? This truly is a minefield and a slip up can be costly.

A single kiss (x, X)

This appears to be the minimum. The absolute basic that one must use no matter what.

Whether it’s a friend, sibling or parent. Not putting even a single kiss is a big no no. Fail to put one when you usually do and the recipient will think something is up.

The single kiss doesn’t mean you want to actually kiss them. If you did, you would obviously use more.

Two kisses (xx, xX, XX)

This is saved for people of importance, your girlfriend or boyfriend usually.

It doesn’t have to be on every message as chances are, you might message a lot throughout the day (how cute). Chuck two kisses on the end of your conversation to keep in their good books and, of course, because you love them, right?

Three kisses (xxx, XXX, XxX)

So you’ve had a few drinks, you’re out with the girls and your fella messages you. You slip an extra kiss on there because, why the heck not.

Three kisses is still acceptable, but just put three lower case kisses, not a mixture of both, unless you’re a fifteen year old setting a new MSN name in 2007.

Four or more kisses

This used to be for the inebriated texts of our youth. But we’ve grown up since then. We no longer send messages expressing our unrequited love at 2am with thirteen kisses on the end.

This is now for taking the piss, or a way of agreeing and thanking somebody. If you offer to do a nice thing for a friend, e.g. cook them dinner, and you get XXXXXX as a reply you should be happy.

It’s literally translated into: “Sounds amazing, thank you so much, you’re the best”. Either that or you’re actually thirteen, in which case please stop texting me.

The accidental mistake kiss (zx, cx, cc, z, c)

Now this means one of two things. Either they are in a hurry and didn’t notice that their fat finger pressed the wrong key or they pressed the wrong key and did notice, but didn’t think you were worth the extra second it would take to amend the mistake.

Most of the time it’s just an accident and we live such fast paced lives, so really who cares about a c instead of an x? Be wary of the more devious people out there who will do it on purpose. But don’t read into it too much, you’ll end up going mad.

The kiss and hug (xoxo)

This is strictly for girls, and not just any girls but a certain type of girls. Mostly vegetarian or vegan English students who have heart-shaped lights around their bed, which is covered in pillows and cushions in every shade of purple.

Or mothers who call their child “my darling baby” even though they’re 23.

The full stop after the kiss (x.)

This is saved for close friends and girlfriends or boyfriends.

If you’re annoyed at your parents, you just ignore them or tell them to fuck off. A little more tact is required with closer friends and partners.

It’s used when you do still like them but they’re acting like a cunt and you want them to know about it.

The full stop (.)

If you see this from your girlfriend, you’re fucked. They have been onto your Facebook and seen the messages you’ve been sending to other girls.

Quit while you’re ahead, turn your phone off and just go out. Things can’t get any worse anyway.

People you should not put any form of kisses in a message to

Your boss

Unless you work in media and have done for a few years. Or if you’re dating the boss, in which case do what you want you’re fucking the boss for crying out loud.

Your lecturer/seminar tutor/dissertation supervisor

Whilst we’ve all had that fantasy, it’s never going to happen. Firstly the majority of uni staff are old and fat, and secondly putting a kiss in an email isn’t going to make them drop their plans, come to your halls and fuck you silly is it now?

Your sports coach

If you have their number be careful not to accidentally put a kiss on the end when messaging them regarding training next week. But if you do, don’t worry, wait and see if it is reciprocated. You never know, you could be in for a steamy shower session. Right before they are sacked.

More articles recommended by the author –

• A basic white hoe’s guide to the games of texting

• Things boys should not do by text, by disappointed girls

• Sexting is an art form: here’s how to do it!