In defence of being single on Valentine’s Day

Those who sit alone and cry on Valentine’s Day because they’re single need to re-evaluate their lives.

Why is it that every year on February 14th being single suddenly becomes a disease. A curse. Immediately it’s the worst thing imaginable.

Everyone gets hit with the idea suddenly they’re Bridget Jones and destined to die alone.

Some of you possibly will die alone in your house, unnoticed by the world until the smell of your rotting corpse hits the streets.

But be positive about it. Statistically this is no more likely on Valentine’s Day than any other day of the year.

So chill the fuck out, yeah?

Yes, you haven’t got a boyfriend or girlfriend who’s spending time with you this Saturday because society has told them to. Boo fucking hoo.

If anything, your friends with partners should be jealous of you because there’s loads of things you can still do which doesn’t involve calling your mum crying and apologising for her never getting grandchildren.

Have a party

Not a tragic all single girls party, where they cry, eat chocolate and watch The Notebook.

Sophisticated, classy, elegant dinner party – wine, delicious food, and no whinging about the lack of men in your life.

Equally, a shit tonne of vodka and tacky cock-shaped pasta will suffice.

Go to a club

It’s a Saturday. Chances are you’d be going out anyway.

Admittedly there is a higher chance you’ll get hit on by random guys/potentially groped because everyone seems desperate for a Valentine’s Day shag.

Club nights are full of people sucking face on a regular basis. Why avoid clubs on this dreaded day for the fear of seeing two people kissing will send you over the edge.

Do coupley stuff

There’s always fancy offers like couples wine tasting, or couples chocolate making around this time of year.

Get six friends together and go. You’ll have loads of fun and the couples will be jealous because you have five friends to talk to instead of the one partner who’s pissed you off because he let a woman through the door before him. To look at her arse. Because he’s probably cheating. With someone hotter than you. Breathe.

Retail therapy

February 15th is almost as exciting as the Boxing Day sales.

All that lovey dovey romance crap is half price. Half price fancy chocolates. Half price alcohol. Half price devils that say “I love you” when you squeeze them.

What else would you want?

Treat it like a normal day

If you normally spend all Saturday studying (some of you might, I don’t know), just do that?

Ignore the fact your taken friends are dolling themselves up to go to have a romantic meal at Pizza Express because that’s all they can afford and hit the books.

Watch Take Me Out

You might be single on Valentine’s Day, but those girls have had to go on national TV to find themselves a man.

If that doesn’t make things better then you can apply online for next year’s show.

Eat garlic bread

Nobody likes kissing someone with garlic breath.

Embrace your single status and eat away.

Eat everything

If you really are struggling to cope with the notion of not having someone to spoon on Saturday just veg out.

Food helps. It might be seen as a bit tragic, but if you’ve got a friend there it makes it marginally better.

Watch a sad film

Try watching “My Sister’s Keeper” or “The Fault in our Stars”. They’re about real problems. Cry about that. Not because someone didn’t buy you a shit card from Poundland.

Stop being selfish.

Get your parents to visit

“Oh I’d love to have gone on a date, but my parents are visiting.”

What a coincidence.

It’s a fool-proof plan, besides having your mum continuously ask:

“So, why don’t you have a boyfriend? What are you doing that just repels men?” (Legit quote, it’s tragic)

Text that hook up from first term

If you’re just after sex after wallowing in self pity, just message that person you pulled in first term.

Just make sure they don’t misinterpret this for a date and turn up at your door at 1am with flowers.

Buy yourself something pretty

Average box of chocolates £4. Average bouquet of flowers £4. Average bottle of wine £6. Average dinner out £18.

Add what you could have spent on Valentine’s Day if you had a bf/gf and spend it on something you actually want.

After all, chocolates get eaten, flowers die and relationships end.

Spend a night in with the rabbit

Interpret as you will.

Go on a platonic date

Single girl + single guy go out for dinner. You get the atmosphere of sickly Valentine’s Day smushiness, without having to shed out on tacky presents.

It’s fine to be bitter and single and hate your friends and secretly hope their relationships fail (just don’t tell anyone that last part). But don’t be tragic.

Go and do something and don’t just cry about it and Instragram pictures of the flowers you bought for yourself captioned: “I’m the only person I need in my life #alone #single #whywonthelovemewhatdididowrongstupidtwat”

What are your single plans this Valentine’s Day? Tweet us @TheTabYork