7 housemates you definitely don’t want

Freshers – It’s getting to that time of year when you have to choose your second year housemates.

Poor things, you’ve only known each other for a matter of weeks and now you have to contractually sign yourself up to being someone’s friend.

As a wise and omniscient third year, here are some tips to help you avoid the inevitable cock-up that signing houses will be. After all, you don’t really know a person until you live with them.

1. The Big Revealer

‘Never Have I Ever’ is a fresher’s favourite game. Use it to your advantage to work out whether your ‘friends’ are bat shit crazy or not. Real life example: my first year flatmate once revealed during this game that he found a strap-on in his mum’s drawer. Alarm bells.

Never, ever, ever

2. The Recluse

Unfortunately, out of sight doesn’t mean out of mind. Do they spend a lot of time in their room? What are they doing? What are they plotting? Where has all the cutlery gone?

3. The Drunk Bipolar

After a couple of Jägerbombs this person becomes unrecognisable. A Miley Cyrus-style transformation takes place. Before you know it they’re twerking on the bouncer at Pop Tarts. Inappropriate.

She’s changed

4. The One Who Suggests The Star Wars Marathon

Darth Avoid ’em.

A No Hope

5. The Gap Yah Wanker

No night out can compare to Ko Phi Phi in ’09 – ‘You haven’t had a mojito ’til you’ve had one listening to a turtle being born to the Buddhist wind chimes of Phangan Bay.’

Ko Phi Phi, ’09

6. The Clean Fun One

The one that was disappointed when Sheffield’s dry ski slope burnt down. Or the one that wants to go bowling. Spare me.

7. The Oversharer

Whether it’s with their feelings or with your stuff – sharing isn’t caring. Don’t eat my yoghurts when you come back from a night out. In fact, don’t touch any of my shit.

Don’t touch any of my shit

So now you know. Good luck young Padawan.

Be sure to keep an eye out for The Tab’s guides to Sheffield digs coming later this week …