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University of Manchester halls if they were Peep Show characters

Separating the Marks from the Jeremys

You're not technically a uni student if you haven't at least heard of Peep Show and if you haven't then you're missing out big time. Who is your Big Beats soulmate? Your halls say it all.

Richmond Park: Alan Johnson

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Take me, Johnson

You didn't come to fuck about on a Philosophy degree for pathetic, worthless punks. You're here to succeed and fuck anyone trying to convince you to let loose.

9ams are your idea of heaven and you sleep in your suit.

Owens Park: Jez

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Owens Park is a thousand Jezes having an orgy. The manifesto, “big beats are the best, get high all the time,” runs strong here, as all it residents ever do is tell everyone how "enlightened" they became during their elephant-bathing experience in Cambodia.

Oak House: Super Hans

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Yoghurt cock

Just looking at Oak House is enough to create a powerful sense of dread. 50% prison cells, 50% STIs, but 100% fun, these infamous halls are a cesspit of terror, shit DJs, and no-hopers, but it's always good entertainment value. A dishwasher in the middle of the kitchen is your idea of fine art.

Sheavyn: Mark

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I am the lord of the bus said he

Sorry Sheavyn, but you're not exactly the most exciting of places. You're mainly full of Southerners with a taste for the finer things in life. You're definitely the person at pres waiting for the night to end already so you can get back to reading Stalingrad. You would also definitely end up naming your baby Ian.

Woolton Hall: Dobby

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No one with an apple mac died on 9/11

Does anyone really get Woolton? Like Dobby, it's a bit of an enigma. Are you cool? Weird? Boring? Shit? You kinda just appear from nowhere sometimes and confuse us all again.

Ashburne: Big Suze

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She's so posh

Ashburne is basically Fallowfield's version of Buckingham Palace. Big Suze brings the class and Ashburne tries in vain to do the same, but when you've got a 200ft soul-crushing vision of Tower in front of you it's tricky.

Manchester (Opal) Gardens: Gerard

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Fuck off

Gerard doesn't seem to do anything except piss everyone off without really doing much, which is fitting for Opal Gardens, whose existence is irrelevant. Dying from the flu seems a fitting and appropriate way for you to go.

St Gabriel's Hall – Elena and Gail

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Staying in all female halls will undoubtedly bring out the gay in you at some point, but you knew that before you came, didn’t you?

St Anselm Hall: Matt

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Do you want it??

The mysterious all-male hall on campus is likely a hub of socially awkward fitness-coaches-in-waiting, all keen to push the guys to their limits then massage each other down in the nude. Beer is feared and swapped for Huel and the world outside the gym is scary.

Wright-Robinson: Michelle

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Yeah who?

Whitworth Park: Gog

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Fucking gog?

With its close proximity to uni and the library and its reputation for being painfully dead, those in Whitworth have a chance of doing well, like Gog. Will probably be seen in 20 years at the reunions, still weird, but now annoyingly rich.