This is what every fresher goes through as their sleeping pattern and body clock are slowly destroyed by living in halls
You’re probably reading this at 3am
Freshers' isn't just an oversubscribed week of debauchery: it's a way of life. The fresher lifestyle is like your first time downing a whole K Cider: fun at first, exciting and rebellious and slighty disgusting, and then you reach the end, and the sleepless regret and stench of alcohol and general feeling of confusion hits you like a medium to large fridge.
Here's your ultimate guide to everything that will happen during your first year.
Naps become a way of life
You may arrive at university with your body clock still firmly in tact, naively believing that afternoon naps are strictly reserved for toddlers and the Spanish.
But by the time you go home for Christmas, the university lifestyle has broken you. You are a walking zombie and a siesta is the only thing that can save you.
Unlike your mother, your new flatmates do not wake you up at seven with a cup of tea. Instead, they keep you up until seven with the sound of drinking games, music, whipped cream dispensers and sex. You learn to love naps.
As if seven naps a day wasn't damaging enough to your body clock, afters becomes part of your sleeping routine as well. You discover that closing time does not equal bedtime and afters is soon an integral part of your night out, robbing you of even more sleep.
Gone are the days of being tucked up in bed by three. Instead, you are staggering around the smoking area, pestering your mates: "Where are we going for afters?" "Shall we have afters at ours?" "Who's having afters?" "We definitely need a good afters".
"I'll just skip this one lecture"
You give yourself one day off uni, and never quite recover. Most days, you lie lifeless in your bed well into the afternoon. However, from the moment you turn off your 9am alarm and decide to sack off uni (again), the guilt prevents you from getting any good quality sleep. Every time you drift off, a voice in the back of your head whispers the phrase 'nine thousand pounds a year' and you are suddenly wide awake again.
Once 5pm hits, you have been up for a whole three hours and you are ready for your afternoon nap. Luckily, lectures have now finished for the day, so you fall asleep peacefully. You will 'start going in on Monday', you promise yourself.
Occasionally, you do get an early night, but like the Sleeping Beauty that you are, you are woken from your slumber. In this fairy tale, the Prince is that guy you accidentally slept with in freshers week and the kiss is a 'you up?' text, followed by ten missed calls. You eventually answer the booty call and tell them you have Uni in the morning but they come round anyway. Neither of you get up for Uni in the morning.
Food time is anytime
Normal meal times and eating habits are a thing of the past. The safest time to steal your flatmates' food without getting caught is 3am, so this is your new dinner time. (Nobody wants to become a thief, but after your milk is stolen for the hundredth time, you have no choice but to retaliate.)
After you shamefully retreat to your room, which now resembles an abandoned skip, fish finger sandwich in hand, you sleep for four hours and decide to treat yourself to another day off university, because you deserve it.