What your halls say abut you

Filling a friend’s room will balloons is a hall prank classic.

Whitworth Park

You applied here because your student loan won’t stretch to  a packet of biscuits, you’re an international student or you want to roll out of bed five minutes before lectures. Or no one told you about Fallowfield.

Advantages include living within crawling distance of Greggs and living in a building resembling a giant Toblerone. Expect to be late for lectures, even though you have no excuse whatsoever. You’ll probably be on first name terms with the staff in Gemini in no time.

Second year Zoology student Miriam said: “It’s fun but shit.”

It looks like a shit Butlins.

Denmark Road

You probably got into Manchester through clearing but somehow you’ve managed to cop the nicest halls by far. People are actually fairly outgoing considering you’re not in Fallowfield and the bathrooms laugh in the face of OP. The only downside is the dangerously close proximity to Man Met.

You might want to label your food.

George Kenyon Hall

The crème de la crème of Manchester halls. You’re heavily reliant on the bank of  mummy and daddy and are probably the child of the ambassador of Chile or something similar. Good luck hiding your inheritance when you tell people you live here princess.

Victoria Park

Hulme Hall

Each block actually has a different personality and atmosphere; if you like people and socialising you’re a Greenwood or Burley type, if you don’t you should be in Houldsworth. You should also get used to correcting your mates when they pronounce the name of your halls wrong, every time.

Language student Ryan said “Look forward to a diet of carbs with a side of carbs.”

Let’s face it, You won’t be applying for “Come Dine With Me” any time soon.

Burkhardt House

If you’re excited about your year in Burkhardt then you didn’t do your research. Wayward freshers only end up here because they let their mates choose their accommodation or they don’t like having fun. Enjoy a year of festering away in a mouldy room that sucks up your student loan quicker the room does your soul. The only highlight of living here is the promise of Burkfest.

Medic Ben said ” I was ill more times in my year at Burkhardt than in the three years before uni.”

You can’t tell how shit is it from the outside.

Victoria Hall

You’re the type of person who’s already looking forward to leaving the club at pre drinks and you tend  to be secretly pleased when plans get cancelled. You might need to learn some basic DIY to survive in this place as things are 95% broken and the maintenance staff are a myth.

Second year Elena said: “I had to put oil in my hair and eye shadow under my eyes and beg them before they agreed to fix my shower after it had been broken for two weeks.”

Classic Victoria Hall

Dalton Ellis

Dalton attracts a diverse crowd to say the least. Perhaps you’re a member of a cult or only eat foods beginning with the letter H,  at least you’ll never feel like the weird one. The freshers at Dalton are a friendly bunch who take pride in their uniqueness and bond over the horrible living conditions and bottles of vodka in the squash courts. That’s if they ever leave their rooms anyway.

Second Year linguist Lucy told us “Dalton is a cute dysfunctional family.”

You’d fit right in at Dalton mate.

St. Gabriel’s

Manchester’s only all-female halls. Less of a breeding ground for bra burning radical feminists, more of a weird girl’s boarding school. This place is perfect if you’ve spent your whole school career sans boys or are consciously trying to avoid the other (very scary) sex. It might be every guy’s fantasy but this isn’t a place of lesbian experimentation and eroticism so much as a collection of pre-pubescent school girls scared of catching cooties.

Third year Kate said ” Don’t bother stocking up on durex and booze. You won’t need them here.”

Don’t waste your money.

St. Anselm’s

The only all-male hall on campus. If you put this as your first choice you’ll fit into two categories: you’re a proper “bros before hoes” kind of guy, in search of like-minded individuals to share epic bants and a cheeky Nandos with. Or the opposite sex terrifies you completely. It’s probably the latter.

Come on Guillaume let’s go find Timothy and Hugo for a cheeky Nandos.

Opal Gardens

With a virtually non-existent social scene, Opal is ideal for all those aspiring hermits on campus. If you’re lucky you might bond with others that hate living there as much as you do.

Geographer Evie tolds us ” You can hear students in other halls having more fun than you.” Worse still Third year Ellie said ” I’d rather not go to uni and keep the debt than live in opal gardens ever again.”