Five types of posh student at Manchester

 The ‘Rah’ (Oxon-Cantab Rejectus) 

‘You went to comprehensive? Cute!’

Habitat: Common throughout Manchester. Vast swathes are driven out of southern England annually by disappointing A level grades.

Diet: Foccacia, Graze Box, Champagne.

Standard Chat: ‘I turned Cambridge down. Manchester was always my dream’.

Mating Call: ‘Come back to mine for a chai latte?’

The rah is a sociable species with a penchant for gilets that nests in Manchester between March and October before migrating to Chamonix for the winter months. In Mating season, the male rah displays elegant red plumage or ‘pantalons rouge’ in order to communicate his eligibility and expensive education to females. Far from endangered, the rah is ubiquitous at all red brick universities and £9000 tuition fees have caused their numbers to skyrocket in recent years.

The Law Student (Lexis Sexis)

‘Hurry up and take my picture, you pleb’.

Habitat: Williamson Building

Diet: Coffee, Red Bull, Scotch.

Standard Chat: ‘No, seriously, I am better than you’.

Mating Call: ‘I’ll see you at the bar…of England and Wales. Hahaha Banter!’

The law student spends much of the year as a recluse, building an impressive nest from books and going days without sleep in order to gain that most elusive of prizes: a way to one-up people in arguments. When wooing a mate, the law student is a powerful performer, often donning tweed and resorting to arrogance in order to procure coitus.

The Medic (Malum Medicum)

‘So I just stick it anywhere?’

Habitat: Stopford Building

Diet: Anything available on the Abdul’s menu at 3am.

Standard Chat: ‘Fancy a Coffee in Stopford Starbucks? Oh wait, your student card doesn’t let you in, you pathetic pleb’.

Mating Call: N/A. – Medics reproduce asexually to protect their ego.

If you ever plan to entrust your life to a Manchester medic, you’d better find religion first. These hairy-knuckled savages have difficulty distinguishing a scalpel from a pizza slicer, and that’s when they’re sober. On the plus side you’ll never have to ask what degree they do – they’ll tell you, even if you didn’t ask.

The Physicist (Cultor Coxus)

Never look directly at a physicist

Habitat: Beneath Professor Brian Cox’s desk.

Diet: Anything that fits in a D:Ream lunch box.

Standard Chat: ‘Did you know Professor Brian Cox works at Manchester?’

Mating Call: ‘I’ve met Professor Brian Cox’.

As a product of history’s most terrifying cult of personality, these inhuman cyborgs are best avoided. Do not get attached to them: they insist you grow floppy hair, get your teeth whitened and talk like you’re from Oldham.

The Stoner (Bongum Bluntus)

Sensible bites, please.

Habitat: The student bedroom – leaving only fortnightly to shower or defecate.

Diet: Milkshake, Kebab, Milkshake (again).

Standard Chat: ‘4pm? Nah, too early’

Mating Call: ‘Wonder what’s on pornhub…’

Like badgers of the student world, stoners are rarely sighted in daylight hours but play a vital role in the student ecosystem thanks to their undying support of the takeaway trade. Stoner sightings are rare on campus, but they have been spotted occasionally in exam halls, trying to achieve the minimum grade requirements necessary to continue their life of debauchery for another year.

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