The UCL men’s lacrosse varsity squad are preparing to destroy King’s on Friday

Bart Kitson, Physics

After two years of pissing about, Bart’s life as an eligible bachelor was finally curtailed when he was tamed on tour in Prague. His transformation into a functioning member of society this year has been swift, with some boldly predicting that he may even manage to leave university with a degree. Although still an avid loop attendee, his average time spent inside this year is woefully short – no sooner has he got his foot through the door than he needs to take a Rayner check. He’s ok at lacrosse I guess.

Ben Colville, PhD Chemistry

Ben Colville or known by many as ‘daddy’ has become somewhat of a legend in UCL lacrosse. His stick skills and shooting are virtually unmatched, apart from his own ability to make fully grown referees cry. Ben has attempted many haircuts this year such as the lax bro and top not, none of these have been particularly popular, luckily ben has smartened himself up for varsity and may be able to see the game now his flowing locks are no more.

Caleb Burke, Medicine

Caleb’s recent “voluntary” celibacy has transformed him from ‘beggy’ third year Caleb to a decent lacrosse player. His double hat trick last game has shown that Caleb definitely prefers cradling balls anyway.

Ed McLaughlin, Masters Computer Science

Standing at 6ft7, what Ed lacks in speed and all round mobility he certainly makes up for it in capability to deck any man on the pitch. Little heads up to the King’s players now, don’t bother setting a pick on Ed if you favour your health.

Evan Rolfe, Geography

At the beginning of the year Evan came into the 1^st team as an exciting new prospect, one of the 2’s player to show real promise in the early season. Sadly, a few games in the team accepted what many had been trying to hide, Evan’s a poor man’s Nick Howlett.

George Edison (C), Geophysics

George is a Geology student who happens to be the club’s longest serving 1^st team captain. George or Jungle as he is more commonly known as, has had an eventful year both on and off the pitch. His excuses for lack of appearances on a night out include ‘I can’t come out because I need a poo’. The lack of alcohol in Jungles system has reduced his ability to maintain the unbeaten record the team held last year under his captaincy tainting his “legacy”.

George Pattinson, Masters Physics

Having spent four years living in the shadow of his older, funnier & better looking brother Ollie, George is out to put in a performance to impress. A veteran of varsity already, this being his 4^th appearance he won’t be satisfied with anything but a win. An embargo on Port is already in place on George for the after party for safety reasons.

James Colvin, Classics

The long flowing locks and a very similar Surname, James Colvin has resorted to attempting to become Ben Colville in order to improve his Lacrosse ability. When Colvin actually figures out how to catch the ball he can be a threat in front of goal already netting a hat-trick this year.

Joe Taylor, Psychology

The only man in our team who can cause an international incident, he has been more controversial in harpooning whales than the Japanese. He is shorter than a hobbit and more of a disappointment at lacrosse than Frodo’s character development. Whether on the pitch or in a brothel, one thing is certain – Joe won’t be scoring.

Laurence Aston, History

More commonly known as Bart’s sloppy seconds, Laurence has managed to gain enough weight this year to cause shin splints to injure him for most of the season. His ability to not turn up to training and still start over the president of lacrosse must mean that he has some stick skills, sadly no-one can confirm whether this has been maintained during Laurence’s “bulk season”.

Marco Wong, Economics

Marco Wong is the man to watch – not because of his lacrosse skills which are incredibly average, but for his lack of team commitment when it came to port to port, half Ribena what a nonce. Marco is the sort of man who would kill his best friend for a kebab; it’s no wonder he has been voted wanker of the match the most out of any player during his short time at the club.

Mitch Distin, Masters History and Philosophy of Science

Hate to tell you over the varsity bio but Lara Rossi isn’t interested.

Rory ‘the family man’ Penman, Economics with Statistics

Don’t really know why I’m writing about our camera man considering he has turned up to fewer games than the number of supporters Hockey gets at varsity.

Sam Hayes, Chemical Engineering

Loves the Macarena

Is trapped in a toddlers body

Loves an egg wash

Youngs modulus expert – http://youtube.com/watch?v=F102LgUEG3s

Sean Lea, Masters Anthropology

Maybe he will actually get to play varsity this year? Sean “Sloppy Rig Sec” Lea is a proud Welshman, even going so far as to choose a girl with the same second name as his patron saint. Like his fellow countrymen, he also can’t play rugby, so he decided to join us in his final year of university making him the most inexperienced player in the team. Don’t let that fool you, even though he hasn’t quite managed to grasp catching and passing the ball, he makes up for it with his aggressive play style, decking more players from polytechnics than the rest of the team combined – watch out King’s.

Seb Jones, PhD Physics

Will he be bald by varsity?? Luckily “young” Seb managed to be smart enough to choose a sport where wearing a helmet is compulsory. The most Northern man in our team is the only player who knows intimately more than half the girls in lacrosse. And is the only player to complete dry January (not an accomplishment). Also did you know he used to play in the north prem??

Will Henagan, Masters Political Science

Will ‘Billy Chuck’ Henagan the only American in the team to have less knowledge of the rules of lacrosse than most of the freshers. His ability to spend half the game in the sin bin has not only made UCL one of the most feared team in the league but also the best at playing with only nine players.