I’ve already finished my dissertation and now everyone hates me

Ten-thousand words of horror will haunt your dreams once you reach the third year of your course.

Imagine: countless nights of labouring away at some bloody irritating question you cooked up for yourself, scraping together sources from tatty old books that fill up the library.

For me, things are a lot different. By the time you read this, my dissertation will be done. I’ve kept quiet about this, but recently, I humbly told everyone how far I am.

And now, no-one will talk to me.

Ever since hearing about the time-sucking leech that is the dissertation, I began making notes, ideas, plans, an essay structure and started scraping together secondary sources from Google Books over the summer.

When I returned for my final year on the 1st September, I was ready. By October, draft one was done.

My tutor said I was perhaps the fastest person to hand in a dissertation that early, and was on the verge of passing out in shock.

Making various tweaks and revisions, I went on. November and December were more specifically reserved for other essays and being a miserable grump at home.

I was brought into a conversation of people whining about not even starting their dissertations, or pleading that they were only half-way through. Previously, I stayed quiet about my work.

When I revealed, in a shy and hushed tone, that I completed it, and that I’m now just looking over it a few more times to be on the safe side, things changed.

At the time, they stared at me with wide-eyes and agate mouths, this time not at my horrendous looks or poor fashion sense.

It was not long until those shocked facial expression turned to jealous, hateful death-stares. I received threatening texts because of being so quick.

Classmates always avoid sitting near me, but now they downright refuse to share a room.

Not even my friends will talk to me now; they just huddle away and spit at me when I walk past.

They won’t even answer my calls

My life will probably be cut short by living in miserable loneliness because of discussing my dissertation – or perhaps I’ll die after eating a really bad curry or whatever.

Like this

But I’m embracing it. In fact, I’m going to take a photo of me handing in my dissertation early and will upload it to Facebook to annoy everyone on my course even more, just to see their reaction.

I may be a smug bastard, but at least I’m a quick one.