Everything you learn when you are the only guy living in an all girls house

One year teaches you that they’re not like you think

Halfway through first year I found myself buying a house with seven friends, except somehow, they were all girls. Whilst I did initially have a fair few nightmares about some inevitable situations and the unavoidable make-up which they would apply to my face, it was actually an enjoyable experience.

Surely living in an all girls house is a life skill which I can now put on my CV? Anyway, here’s what I found out.

The stereotype of messy guys and tidy girls is false

In fact, it could be the other way round. This is a particular problem at a certain time of the month, where old porridge is left to germinate in the hallway and jumpsuits are constantly lost and then found, and then lost again (you let her wear it to Beaverworks don’t you remember?!) However, whilst this pales in comparison to some of the disgusting washing-up stories in my mate’s house (mostly guys), I’ve found that messiness varies from person to person, so this stereotype doesn’t hold.

Just because I’m a guy, it doesn’t not mean I know DIY

But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to pretend to know what I’m doing. Changing the lightbulbs? Ok, easy. Unblock the U-bend in the kitchen sink? Yes it’s disgusting, but I’ll roll up my sleeves and do it. Fix the ‘very simple’ problem of not having hot water due to a faulty boiler, the tampering of which could burst all the pipes in the house and flood it? I’m a student not an experienced plumber.

Then, you find yourself as the agony aunt of all WiFi problems. For the last time, just wait a few minutes… it’s a shit student router and your binge watching of Desperate Housewives can bloody wait.

 

Girls go into way too much detail about sex

And then they want your opinion on it. I’ve learnt more about sex in the last eight months than any £12.99 Karma Sutra book from Amazon could ever provide. Positions, sizes, timings. It’s all there. Free invaluable information for my curious brain to soak up.

With guys it goes a bit like: “Shag her then?” – “Yeah” – “Fair, wanna play Fortnite?”. With girls, as soon as the guy has put one foot outside the house, some form of hour-long interrogation is organised in one of the bedrooms that explores the deepest and darkest secrets of a five minute bout of drunken substandard intercourse.

Hair. Hair everywhere

Seriously, where does it all come from? In the shower drain I understand, but those long curling hairs that make their way into the cutlery drawer or a coffee mug? How do they get there?

Every song they hear is an excuse to hold a karaoke competition

Whatever the time or the place, whether that be gentle rendition of Jessie J at 8am before uni, or a chorus of “Gimme, Gimme, Gimme” which is bellowed out at pres, girls love singing. You get used to eating your dinner at the table, then one of your housemates just randomly puts on ABBA, and everyone gets up on their chairs to sing and dance before sitting back down to eat like nothing had happened. All you can do is just sit there, in disbelief. 

The feeling of territoriality when another guy is in your house

You wake up in the morning to hear a dull sound resonating through the floorboards. Inaudible but unmistakeable: another male is present. The animal instincts take over and you are suddenly tasked with protecting the lair. All tough talk, until you realise that the noises that got you creeping down the stairs with a cricket bat in hand, are actually just dishes clinking against each other in the dishwasher.

Putting the football on is a no-go

It’s a quiet Monday night with everyone doing their own thing. I waltz into the sitting room to put on a bit of MNF and knock back with a beer, and perhaps even invite some mates over. The next thing I know I’m being told that football is ‘shit’ and that we should watch The Apprentice instead because then ‘everyone can enjoy it’. Call me whipped but I think we can all agree that having an argument simultaneously with seven girls is never a good idea. Things get brought up and before you know it, no one wants to talk to anyone anymore. Lesson learnt.

The perverted questions people ask me about being the only guy

“Bet you love it when they all walk around naked?” “Have you had a house orgy yet?”, “If you set me up with her I can then pop my head in and say hey when I’m round”. Fuck off, and no.

Girls love a guys who cooks

Cooking the turkey on Christmas was my job, and boy did they appreciate it. Say you can cook in your Tinder bio and you might have more success. On that subject, it’s hilarious when the girls have shown me guys’ Tinder profiles with some soppy inspirational quote or shirt-off pictures in the mirror. Get a life you lot.

You start to miss time with your guy mates

The absence of conversation about everyone’s footie accas or the girly chats that obviously don’t concern you can take its toll. Each to their own of course, but I really did value time at my mates’ house just chatting shit about whatever. Guys and girls are quite different and this should be respected.

All in all, you have a great time

If, like mine, they never exclude you and make an effort to have a laugh with you and you embrace it then you will have a great time. In fact, I think I struck the perfect deal where I could have the best of both worlds: a nice, fun house close to uni, but the chance to go round my mates’ whenever or go out with the house itself. Housemates, you know who you are.

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