How to look cool when other students are looking round your house

An Englishman’s home is his castle, but what do you do when your student crib is invaded by house hunters?


Having trouble trying to show off exactly how fantastic you are to all those lovely students coming to take a look around your soon to be ex-flat/house?

Don’t worry, this list will provide you with enough ways of at least appearing cool to the general populous for eight separate viewing days.

Act as if you and the estate agent are really good friends

Best bloody mates

Best bloody mates

Don’t let the fact that you’ve never met them before put you off. Pretending that you have friends is key to looking cool.

If none of your housemates are around then your only choice is to pal up to the agent. Embrace them with a tight hug and violently chortle: “How the f**k have you been you old c**t?” into their face (Swearing is also cool).

If they look confused pass it off as one of their “crazy games”, walk upstairs and tell them you’ll see them later at the pub if you’re “not too plastered to see straight” (being horrendously drunk in public is the coolest thing yet).

Stare deeply and say nothing

This could be you

If watching “The Boat That Rocked” taught me anything (and it taught me a lot), it was that staring into the distance and not saying anything makes you look pretty darn impressive.

Potential renters have questions about the flat? Just shoot them a quick glare before turning away again silently. They will love it and your awesome levels will encourage them to take up a contract in hopes of emulating you one day.

Ask if they wanna toke of da ganja?

Weed

Doing drugs is really really cool. If you show them that you like to get high they will all like you and think you are an amazing person.

If someone says that they don’t like to smoke weed just laugh at them and question their life choices. They may get to keep all their brain cells intact, but at the end of  the day who’s the one with the social kudos?

Pro tip: Don’t forget to offer the estate agent some too

Offer to show them your Doctor Who memorabilia

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Doctor Who is the big thing right now. What could be cooler than showing a group of people you’ve just met your classic Davros figure with original blinking blue head-eye? The answer is nothing is cooler. Nothing.

Tip: Old-school figures from the 1960’s-80’s earn more brownie points.

Talk about that local sports team

football

Bunch of big bulky jocks round at yours? Fall back on some classic bits of football “banter” to show them you’re one of the lads. If you’re struggling for ideas then here are a few helping themes:

  • Yeah, Chelsea/Man City are a good team now, but they’ve got no history
  • Cristiano Ronaldo is/isn’t better than Lionel Messi
  • Carlton Cole is a lanky useless waste of space
  • Have you seen the latest Joey Barton tweet?

If they don’t like football then I suggest resorting to some type of comment about how bad football is – anti-footballers eat this up.

Placing the runners-up trophy you got for your 5-aside football tournament on the living room table

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See it in all it’s magnificence

 Anyone coming to have a look around your pad will be severely impressed with your immense athletic prowess.

“What’s that on the table you ask? Ha, that’s nothing…just a little something called ‘second best team in the Wednesday night Leeds 5-aside second division’. I don’t like to brag too much though.”

Tip: Draw attention to it by any means possible

Tell them how disgusted you are by Robin Thicke and/or any other controversial behavior

Keep your hashtags to yourself you offensive bastard

Keep your hashtags to yourself you offensive bastard

If your potential flat replacements seem like a more down-to-earth group, then emphasis how deplorable the recent behavior of *insert popculture reference here* has been.

Some people love to make themselves feel good by banging on about how the world is a terrible place to live in. It doesn’t matter if you have no opinion on the subject: taking sides with the most popular standpoint is a cool thing to do and is what being a Uni student is all about.

Don’t clean the house for weeks beforehand

Having a messy flat when the estate agent turns up shows you’re a rebel and that you don’t play by the rules.

Sure, “they” would love it if your flat was tidy. It makes their job easier! It’s important to make sure the big corporations don’t get everything their own way. Ensure to tell the people looking round that these were your intentions all along.

Before they leave the room, repeatedly yell “Your rules won’t oppress me!”. That’s cool.