How To Be Awesome… In The Library

The library is good for three things: learning, Facebook and females.


As the work load increases, the library slowly becomes much less a place for danger wanks and Facebook stalking (sometimes the two go hand in hand…literally) and far more a place for actual work…and danger wanks.

I’m going into my third year now and the library has become a regular hunting ground for me.

Crusty, disgusting books

As with every area in my life I excel in awesomeness and the library basks in my glory on a regular basis. I have been informed by my fans (I call her Mummy) that it’s not fair to keep my understanding of this Mecca of learning to myself. So I felt I would share with you a portion of my knowledge to help you to improve your library going experience.

First things first: organisation is key in the library. This starts with taking the first item out of your bag… is it your pen? Is it your note pad? No, you bunch of virgins!!! Slam your protein shaker down on the desk, let everyone know that you’re awesome by coughing loudly, and remove your hoodie to reveal your skin tight tee. You have arrived.

Blending in with the natural environment

The library is good for three things; learning, facebook and females. Finding high quality females on floor 10 and 11 of Edward Boyle is about as likely as John Terry and Anton Ferdinand starting a gay love affair, so hit up floors 12 and 13.

Despite being called the ‘silent study area’, floors 12 and 13 are the best place to meet people. Leeds Uni students appear to be about as good at whispering as the Chinese, so speak loudly and you will fit right in!

Obviously Facebook is a large part of any library session, but you must be careful. If you are Facebook stalking in the library the subject of your attentions WILL walk past and they WILL notice you, making you look like some sort of Jimmy Savile wannabe.

Even worse… you could get caught reading a news site that isn’t The Tab! Nerd!

If you are caught with your hands down your pants you can do one of three things to get away with it;

  1. Just continue stalking, you’re already in deep and a little deeper won’t hurt anyone! Any album with an exotic name (Mallorca ’12) is always worth a look, hit the beach photos hard and just enjoy yourself!
  2. The horndog… this is very self-explanatory, as well as pretty much defining high risk high reward, simply look your victim up and down and then begin rubbing your nipple, worst case scenario you get arrested for public indecency, best case you get laid there and then!
  3. The dismiss; this is my personal favourite, it involves quite a lot of cruelty so be ready for tears…look your opponent up and down and just say ‘yea, like I’d stalk you!’ log out and walk away, you’ve won this round!

Scouting the talent

Have your preferred option ready for when you get caught, panicking will make you look guiltier than Lance Armstrong.

Like a dog marking their territory you should find a seat that is specifically yours.

This is harder than it appears and during exam time you will really have to scrap to get what you want. This often means doing away with common courtesy and resorting to dirty tactics.

Pick out the weak ones, they can be identified by their red trousers and suede shoes

If it is a male impeding your route to your seat of choice you must assert your dominance over him; this can be done with a simple gun flex or pec dance, like a gorilla banging his chest in the jungle. The fellow male will realise you are the dominant specimen and back off! If it’s a girl punch her square in the nose…am I joking? Your choice…but not really!

Girls pee a lot, use this against them! When they leave for their ten minute toilet break remove their items from your desk and either; a) break them or b) put them on another desk. When they return, questioning why their items have been moved, bamboozle them with simple logic, the female, not unlike a goldfish will grow confused and leave!

Waiting to pounce

I’d like to end with a threat if I see anyone without a genuine disability taking the lift up or down one floor I will come for you like Liam Neeson going for an Eastern European.

In the words of Sir Francis Bacon (we presume he invented bacon so we’re taking his word for this) “knowledge is power.” So get to the library and get laid and paid! As for me and my next spill of knowledge…keep one eye on the horizon!