A toilet-less guide to emptying your bladder

If you’re reading this on the toilet, you’re probably missing the point

alleys clubs Exeter piss toilet

It’s late at night. You’ve been stumbling around drunk outside Timepiece or Mosaic for at least 20 minutes and only just joined the queue, which stretches as far as the eye can see.

You want to get in, but you have a more pressing issue – all that vodka you’ve been pounding has begun to hit the overflow mark, and while you’re eager to hit the D-Floor, right now you’d rather have a P-Floor.

Luckily for you, these top locations are here when you need  a stealthy evacuation.

‘Cos if you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go.

The Auto Shop outside Arena

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It’s not exactly hospitable, but it’s dark, and it’s round a corner from the queue, which is all the dignity your drunken self needs at this point.

If you really need to go, it boasts two small corners so your bezzie doesn’t have to miss out on the pissy action.

This alley next to the church

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It’s not near a club. It’s not that dark. It’s not even covered by anything. But it’s also not the middle of Sidwell Street, and so it’s a viable destination.

But be prepared for some through traffic. Just look at that sign. This alley leads everywhere.

Vision Express

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Just piss on the glass. They’ll never see you coming.

Outside the Library

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An excellent selection if you’re stuck in a long Timepiece queue and are running out of options. If you go down the road opposite the entrance you’ll come to Exeter Library, outside of which is this little grassy area.

Grass, trees, earth – it’s natural. Humans have been weeing on nature since the dawn of time. Why buck a trend?

The Guildhall Square

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There are dark corners all over the place. There are pillars. There’s a Segafredo van to hide behind. There are also cameras, so unless you’re invisible, choose your spot carefully.

Or more likely, since you’re smashed out of your skull, wave your parts at the cameras and then piss all over your shoes.

Parliament Street

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Although it’s not actually the world’s narrowest street as has been claimed (that being the Spreuerhofstraße in Reutlingen, Germany) it is pretty narrow, and tall, and dark.

It’s the perfect squalid location to squat or stand and return the gift of twelve Smirnoff Ices to the world.

Find it off the High Street on your way to or from Mosaic.

The BHS Alley

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Have you ever had a perfect burger? Not from McDonald’s or Burger King or even the Vic, but a burger so juicy, with the cheese melting down the side, and the soft but structurally-sound bun collapsing in your mouth, so delicious that it makes angels weep?

If that burger were an alley in which you can piss, it would be this alley. Directly opposite Mosaic, it ticks all the boxes – it’s near the club, it has a space around the corner, it’s a dead end, so there’s no through traffic, and all the workers will have gone home, so your only companions will be other people pissing.

In short, this is the perfect piss location.

And remember- whatever booze you choose, make sure you use these loos.

Do you have some quiet hideaways we haven’t spotted? Let us know in the comments.