16 Things at Edinburgh Uni that would send a Victorian school child into a coma

Big Cheese is not something you can buy at market, buddy

Obviously a lot has changed since the Victorian period; but then again has it? We still have mice in our flats and worldwide pandemics. That being said, Teviot nachos and Hive Till Five are inventions of the modern day that cannot be paralleled, let alone comprehended by the mind of a Victorian school child.

Here are 16 things that would send them into a coma:

1. The typical pollock student’s main convo starter being, ‘So, what do your parents do?’ or ‘What private school did you go to?’

Babe I’m literally a chimney sweep leave me alone.

2. How hard it is to find a seat on fourth floor lib

Not only that, but how hard it is to locate your friends in the lib? Feel as though I need a compass and a map to follow their vague directions – “go to the main pillar three rows from the back,” where is the back? How do I tell the difference between a main pillar and a mediocre pillar? These are the things that keep me awake at night.

Sometimes the astonishing architecture of the Main Lib becomes too much for us all

3. The Edinburgh Uni signet ring

Made to order <3

4. Taylorgotchi

Subways piece de resistance, which continues to age like a fine wine. The absolute shapes I throw on the dancefloor would be enough to immobilise that Victorian dweeb.

Look at those gorgeous cherry venoms, this is what civilisation has been working towards.

5. The amount Petey Matts spent on private planes

Enough to cure the bubonic plague for sure. I think I’m getting my periods mixed up, but the point stands – flying coach would be enough to put Peter Mathieson in a coma x

6. Rugby boys in tweed chopping pints out of dress shoes

I feel as though the Victorian school child would appreciate the multi purpose aspect of this. Shoes can be a bowl. Excellent ingenuity.

7. Free tuition for Scottish students

I literally sold my hair for bread. (Yes this is a Les Mis reference, I don’t do history).

8. Grass market being a tourist trap pub street instead of a hanging location

This would absolutely be enough shock a Victorian school child, the pub called “The Last Drop” would be enough to finish them off.

9. The Edinburgh Uni quidditch team

Why are these people openly pretending to be witches, do they want to be burned at the stake?

10. Bedlam Theatre

Why is the theatre named after an insane asylum? (The dates for this one don’t match up but it’s a good point so I’m leaving it in)

11. All the feminism societies

Queen Victoria was the original pick-me. (One that the history girlies can appreciate).

12. Online lectures

What is this sorcery – was probs the quiddich teams’ handiwork.

13. Whynot Wednesdays

The sports soc costumes confuse me, let alone a Victorian kid.

The typical student flat consisting of an abundance of stupid posters and fairy lights/LED’s. Pitbull’s ‘going through tough times’ lyric would def make a victorian school kid pass out from the audacity.

14. Frankenstein’s

The bit when the monster comes down would not be received well.

15. That Jack the Ripper’s identity was never solved

Yet you have invented the masterpiece that is Potterow curly fries? Priorities x

16. Therapet dogs

The fact that student satisfaction is the lowest out of all the Russel Group uni’s, and the way the uni makes us try and forget this is with literal puppies, blows my own mind.

So there it is; 16 things that would send a victorian school child into a coma. Honestly can’t blame the kid, Edinburgh rugby boys and Peter Mathieson scare me too.

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