You can’t call yourself an Edinburgh student unless you’ve done these 11 things

Everything you need to ensure that you’re getting your £9,000 worth

Ah, Edinburgh uni, the birthplace of Londoners who weren’t quite brave enough to properly head up north, the only place in Scotland where a Scottish accent is genuinely impossible to find and student satisfaction rates are falling by the second.

Whether you’re a young fresher or an experienced fourth year who’s walked into Gordan Aikman hungover more times then you could even count, here’s a checklist of 11 essential Edinburgh uni experiences that prove we’re all living somewhat the exact same lives:

1. Got drunk in the meadows the second a hint of sun comes out

If you aren’t running to the Meadows to secure the perfect picnic spot with the same energy a British dad runs to secure a sun lounger at 6am on an all-inclusive holiday in Tenerife then you’re doing an Edi summer wrong. We’ve all had to automatically call off a ‘productive work day’ the minute it hits 12 degrees as who knows the next time it will come out again.

2. Passionately complained about Juju’s but still gone anyway

Picture this, it’s a Monday night and you’ve decided to have a ‘quiet night in’ to be productive and finally get started on that essay. Cut to 1am and you’re now in the smoking area at Juju’s having a heated debate with an economics student about how printing more money is all that’s really needed to save the economy (it never ends well).

It’s a painfully familiar story for the many of us who somehow lack the self-control to say no to a night out they fundamentally know they won’t enjoy.

3.  Climbed up Arthur’s Seat in freshers week and never again

There’s nothing quite like trying to make small talk with someone you met five minutes ago on an early morning climb organised by your student accommodation whilst severely hungover and gasping for breath because of how unfit you are.

Chances are you haven’t spoken to any of the people you made that horrific climb with since (or even dared go up Arthur’s Seat again once you discovered the lack of effort it takes to climb up the Crags), but at least you’ve managed to ensure you won’t fail your degree!

4. Queued two hours for a hot chocolate in the meadows

Let’s be honest, that period where we normalised the entirety of Edinburgh’s student population queing behind barriers in arctic temperatures just to get an aesthetic hot chocolate pic for Instagram was a really low point of lockdown. However, have you really experienced an Edinburgh snow day without the underwhelming experience of watching a barista pour fire onto your overpriced hot drink?

5. Avoided the castle at all costs

We’re all unsuperstitious until it comes to that age-old belief about entering the castle as an Edinburgh uni student. With the prospect of failing your degree increasing by the day its always best to not take any chances.

6. Snuck into Big Cheese without paying

I know I speak for everyone when I say the entire process of queuing for Big Cheese in the rain feels somewhat humiliating when you know that in seven hours time you’ll be in the exact same spot hungover and en route a lecture.

Whilst I wouldn’t necessarily condone it, after paying thousands of pounds in fees (unless you’re Scottish in which case you should probably take the L and pay the £5), it almost feels like an act of peaceful protest.

7. Had a mice infestation in your flat

Despite every landlord ever insisting that their property is ‘mice free’, we all know its part and parcel of living in an overpriced Marchmont flat to witness a tiny rodent running across your hallway at 2am and be forced to call in pest control for the third time only a month into your tenancy. Some might say it’s character building?

8. Had a ‘beach day’ at Portobello

Somehow a trip to Portobello is always envisioned to be so much better than what it actually is. We all have images of blue skies, white sand and a relaxing wind-free day when, in reality, the sun comes out for approximately 5 minutes before you’re freezing cold, have sandy feet and are clinging onto an ice cream when all you really need is a hot chocolate.

Let’s not even mention the absolute psychopaths (sea swimmers) among us who somehow think they’re capable of avoiding hypothermia when its -5 degrees and the sea is practically frozen over.

9. Gone to a cèilidh to ‘immerse yourself in the culture’

A part and parcel of going to a Scottish uni and convincing all your friends from home that Edinburgh’s a bit quirky and different, we’re all a sucker for any excuse to get absolutely paralytic in the name of exercise. Not to mention that if you’re from Pollock it’s probably the one and only time you’ve ever heard a Scottish accent.

10. Spent your entire student loan at the Christmas markets

Nothing cures the crippling mount of depression that accompanies freezing cold November weather and deadlines like a completely unnecessary trip to the Christmas markets.

Whilst we all love to use the excuse that everything you’ve purchased is an ‘early Christmas present for the family’, realistically 90 per cent of your money goes towards extortionately overpriced crepes and an incredibly underwhelming carousel ride.

11. Hive till five

There’s nothing quite like the deep sense of shame that accompanies emerging out of hive at sunrise drenched in a litre of sweat and alcohol after insisting five hours prior that you’d ‘definitely be home by 2am’. Whilst humiliating, it really is something every Edi student should experience at least once.

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• Everything you need to know about Edinburgh Uni that the prospectus didn’t tell you

• VOTE: What’s the ugliest building on Edi’s campus?