All the signs that you probably have no personality
Get a hobby, youth
Life is largely a game of wandering around, attempting to establish who has a bearable enough personality for you to spend a significant amount of time with. This is often done on the basis of trial and error, leading to an accumulation of countless wasted hours amongst those you’d rather not have met at all.
Luckily for you, there are some handy giveaways that regularly indicate a distinct lack of any discernible personality, which could potentially save you enduring innumerable painful interactions.
Whilst the following aren’t sure-fire signs that a person will bore you to tears, they do have a relatively high success rate, meaning any sightings should spark a healthy cynicism towards the accused.
An OTT beard
An important distinction must be made here. Many bearded people are upstanding members of society who should not be discarded into the bucket of the socially damned.
The beardies we’re discussing here are those for whom facial hair is a prominent identity feature, conversation starter, and source of self-worth.
They’ll talk to you about oils, share memes about being a real man, like tweets from women praising bearded men, form weird bonds based entirely on a shared facial feature, and go on about how young they look without it.
We get it mate, you’ve got a shit jawline and needed something to talk to your old school friends about in the absence of any other notable progression since sixth form. Just leave me out the convo next time, yeah?
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A geography-based identity
"Hahahaha ‘roll’, that’s a barm you fool!", "OMG you guys are so posh, bet you couldn’t even understand me if I spoke how I speak back home!", "I was darn’t pit ‘fore sun were up this morning, then me unt misses went the dogs wi’ the young ‘un."
Basically, "ooo, look at me, I’m northern!" Sadly this trait does seem to be far more common for anyone with a latitude higher than that of Derbyshire. Admittedly, this interpretation may be biased by the fact that my view of the south outside London is farmers on either side, with an indistinguishable mass in between, meaning identity based on region is hard to come by.
A bit of local pride is lovely, but if your entire identity is based on where you happened to fall out of your mum, you need to get a new hobby.
A politically-based identity
Arguably worse than choosing to pin your identity on your place of birth, making your whole being about your political affiliations is not a good move.
There is a rare time and place for a bit of interesting political discussion and debate, but no one wants to be spending time with the commie-boi or the far-right nut-job on the reg.
Most peoples' political stances are based on their values and upbringing, and are unlikely to alter anytime soon.
gimme that sweet commie juice pic.twitter.com/n5mb49jQ6n
— Absurd Conservamemes (@delusionalcons) September 14, 2018
Being a hypebeast
Double whammy of a personality drought this one. Firstly, the fact you’re following the crowd and allowing people on the Internet’s opinions dictate what you buy suggests a distinct lack of self-thought or cognitive ability.
Similarly, while I’m here, do the thousands of girls on campus wearing flares and Air Force not find it a tad awkward that 63 per cent of their fellow females have rocked up in the same outfit? Not a hypebeast trend per se, but something that desperately needs addressing. There’s a trend, then there’s a cult.
The second reason "hypebeast" is often equal to "personality desert" comes as a result of the common belief amongst these Supreme worshippers that their stacks of high-value clothing makes up for their lack of personality. It doesn’t. Focus less on scrolling through Grailed, and more on how to talk to real life humans.
Vocally disliking popular things
For the billionth time: this does not make you interesting. You think Love Island is shit? Nice one, keep it to yourself. Hate all the artists in the charts these days? Good for you, don’t listen to them.
In this ever-bleaker world, people deserve the slithers of joy provided to them by their favourite shows, musicians, hobbies, etc.
Arguably the worst feature of this lot is their insistence on starting every hot take with "is it just me…", as though of the seven and a half billion people on earth, they're the first to come up with this incredibly beige opinion.
Youngest son just made me watch Love Island for 10 minutes.
It's even worse than I feared.
Britain, how can you watch this catastrophically idiotic bilge?
— Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) July 2, 2018
Telling people how much uni you've missed
You’d think never going to lectures might free up some time for doing activities and developing a personality, but apparently not, seeing as all they ever do is tell you how many of their four contact hours they’ve missed this week.