I went to a whole day of uni smashed and actually learnt something

10/10 would recommend

It was my first Burns Night in Scotland, so for the whiskey equivalent of 420 I decided it was only patriotic to go to uni totally smashed.

Armed with Tennent's, white wine and more pints, I managed to make it through a seminar and a lecture on Logic, all completely off my face.

11am

I wake up to realise I have already missed my first lecture. I decide this was a strategic decision.

I think of the long road ahead and open a Tennent's before my friend arrives to pre. Once George arrives with cereal, we move on to shots. I have three, he has one. By this point I'm already a little bit gone, so we have some whiskey and grab another can for the way.

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Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jacks

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11:45am

We set off into town. My tutorial is at Lister Square and I’m fairly certain I know the way. The sun is shining, the air is crisp and I feel far better than I usually do when walking to a tutorial. Maybe I’ll be drunk enough to fool myself into believing I have any idea what’s going on.

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The coppers will never take us alive

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12:05pm

I am forced to abandon my can upon arrival, taking it in felt like poor taste. In the elevator I meet a random woman. I ask her to take a photo with me and she asks why, I tell her I’m drunk, she consents.

It’s at this point that I reflect on how friendly and pro-social I am being, and wonder why everyone doesn’t drink all day, every day.

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What a nice lady

12:10pm

It’s surprisingly easy to be very lowkey fucked in tutorials. Perhaps too easy. It passes uneventfully. I feel I learned about as much as I would have sober. As everyone makes to leave I block the door, I tell them I’m drunk and ask them to take a picture with me.

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New squad

1:00pm

I have a nice chat with my tutor on the way down the stairs. My Tennent's is exactly where I left it, the Scottish winter has kept it cold. I decide it’s unlikely to have been spiked at midday outside a university building so I take a sip. It wasn’t spiked (gassed). The walk to meet my friends in George Square is a bit of a blur but apparently I met some more random strangers. I hope they had a nice day.

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1:10pm

I meet Liv and George in George Square. George is also drunk. Liv has to go to more lessons so George and I head to the Meadows with a £4 bottle of Tesco Pinot Grigio and some positive vibes. In this technological age, we all too often forget how beautiful nature can be.

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This nice man was playing the trumpet

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At one with nature

2:00pm

We finish half the bottle of wine before my next tutorial. This tutorial also passes quickly and enjoyably, I really feel we may be on to something with this alcohol thing.

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Favourite shot of the day

3:00pm

We have a two hour break before the final lecture of the day so we head to Teviot. We finish the rest of the wine on a bench outside before heading in for a pint. We spend a long time struggling with the umbrella before realising that it isn’t even raining.

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Umbrellas are hard

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5:00pm

By this point we have been on the sesh for six hours and we’re getting tired. My next lecture is Logic so I have no chance of understanding anything, but that’s okay. We sit on the front row because we’re late. This turns out to be a mistake as George has to shake me awake several times. By the time it’s over I am very ready to leave.

6:00pm

We buy more bevs on the walk home, the day is still young and we have a Mamma Mia karaoke night to attend. Upon arriving home I try to take a slice of bread out the freezer and it breaks in half. This is a low moment for me, my drunk brain can’t fathom why such bad things happen to good people. We pre for Mamma Mia. Later it turns out we pre-ed a little too hard because by the time we turn up, Piers Brosnan is already struggling through winner takes it all.

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Pranged

I’m not sure what time it was now

After this point time rather gets away from me. I remember our Burns night celebrations in the common room being shut down by security and then going back to my flat. I finally head to bed around 5am after 18 hours on the sesh and needless to say, I do not make it to my 10am.

Summary: alcohol is fun and we should all drink it all the time.

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