I went to a whole day of uni smashed and actually learnt something

It was my first Burns Night in Scotland, so for the whiskey equivalent of 420 I decided it was only patriotic to go to uni totally smashed.

Armed with Tennent's, white wine and more pints, I managed to make it through a seminar and a lecture on Logic, all completely off my face.

11am

I wake up to realise I have already missed my first lecture. I decide this was a strategic decision.

I think of the long road ahead and open a Tennent's before my friend arrives to pre. Once George arrives with cereal, we move on to shots. I have three, he has one. By this point I'm already a little bit gone, so we have some whiskey and grab another can for the way.

11:45am

We set off into town. My tutorial is at Lister Square and I’m fairly certain I know the way. The sun is shining, the air is crisp and I feel far better than I usually do when walking to a tutorial. Maybe I’ll be drunk enough to fool myself into believing I have any idea what’s going on.

12:05pm

I am forced to abandon my can upon arrival, taking it in felt like poor taste. In the elevator I meet a random woman. I ask her to take a photo with me and she asks why, I tell her I’m drunk, she consents.

It’s at this point that I reflect on how friendly and pro-social I am being, and wonder why everyone doesn’t drink all day, every day.

12:10pm

It’s surprisingly easy to be very lowkey fucked in tutorials. Perhaps too easy. It passes uneventfully. I feel I learned about as much as I would have sober. As everyone makes to leave I block the door, I tell them I’m drunk and ask them to take a picture with me.

1:00pm

I have a nice chat with my tutor on the way down the stairs. My Tennent's is exactly where I left it, the Scottish winter has kept it cold. I decide it’s unlikely to have been spiked at midday outside a university building so I take a sip. It wasn’t spiked (gassed). The walk to meet my friends in George Square is a bit of a blur but apparently I met some more random strangers. I hope they had a nice day.

1:10pm

I meet Liv and George in George Square. George is also drunk. Liv has to go to more lessons so George and I head to the Meadows with a £4 bottle of Tesco Pinot Grigio and some positive vibes. In this technological age, we all too often forget how beautiful nature can be.

2:00pm

We finish half the bottle of wine before my next tutorial. This tutorial also passes quickly and enjoyably, I really feel we may be on to something with this alcohol thing.

3:00pm

We have a two hour break before the final lecture of the day so we head to Teviot. We finish the rest of the wine on a bench outside before heading in for a pint. We spend a long time struggling with the umbrella before realising that it isn’t even raining.

5:00pm

By this point we have been on the sesh for six hours and we’re getting tired. My next lecture is Logic so I have no chance of understanding anything, but that’s okay. We sit on the front row because we’re late. This turns out to be a mistake as George has to shake me awake several times. By the time it’s over I am very ready to leave.

6:00pm

We buy more bevs on the walk home, the day is still young and we have a Mamma Mia karaoke night to attend. Upon arriving home I try to take a slice of bread out the freezer and it breaks in half. This is a low moment for me, my drunk brain can’t fathom why such bad things happen to good people. We pre for Mamma Mia. Later it turns out we pre-ed a little too hard because by the time we turn up, Piers Brosnan is already struggling through winner takes it all.

I’m not sure what time it was now

After this point time rather gets away from me. I remember our Burns night celebrations in the common room being shut down by security and then going back to my flat. I finally head to bed around 5am after 18 hours on the sesh and needless to say, I do not make it to my 10am.

Summary: alcohol is fun and we should all drink it all the time.