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M&S is closing and we don’t know what to do with ourselves

Can Tesco Finest even compare?

Marks and Spencer has announced plans to close its Durham branch on Saturday 7 April 2018.

Happily, the firm confirmed that all 48 employees at Durham's branch will retain employment within other M&S stores. But this will be small comfort to the bourgeois tastes of Durham's notoriously high-spending uni students.

We paid a visit to the store, located next to Tesco on Silver Street, and home to an extensive assortment of gastronomic finery, to find out just what it is we'll be losing.

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Hannah doesn't even know what M&S stands for, let alone what any of those other words mean

We'll be sure to miss the Nettle, Dandelion, and Milk Thistle Infusion, a bargain at just £1 – as well their one-litre bottles of Freshly Squeezed Green Lemonade with Lime, Kiwi, and Kale, currently £2.20.

For the classic Hatfielder, meanwhile, the greatest loss might just be Perrier-Jouët's Blason Rosé champagne, taking a neat £60 out of daddy's generous weekly allowance.

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But where will I buy my Vegan Roasted Veg with Avocado and Chilli Squash on Red Pepper Bread now?

Our editor notes a special sadness no longer to be able to savour the M&S meal deal – at just £3.50, it is 50p more than Tesco's option, but "at least fifty times as wholesome".

Meanwhile M&S clarified in a statement: "Stores will always be an integral part of our customer experience, alongside M&, but we have to ensure we have the right offer in the right locations.

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The only Durham bakery that sells proper bread (you heard me, Cooplands)

“We don’t want any colleagues to leave M&S and we will work with each colleague individually on what is best for them as we endeavour to give everyone a role. However, we accept in some cases we may have to consider redundancy.

“We believe these changes are vital for the future of M&S and we will continue to accelerate the programme, taking tough but necessary decisions, as we focus on making M&S special.”

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£60! I've never seen that much money in my life!

Durham's store is one of 14 planned closures across the UK, including Basildon, Bridlington, and Fareham.