The Internet. The pinnacle of modern civilisation, opening doors previously unimaginable. However, it also gives some of the most annoying people in life a tool through which to immortalise their every thought and irritate all their friends at one time, in one place.

Quite an achievement, some might say. Here are some of the repeat offenders that really piss me off:

The ‘Game Requester’

Just because you alternate between chronic masturbation and efficient crop management on Farmville, and still find time to attempt to drag others into your web of addiction, doesn’t make you ‘that fun guy’.

I do not want to play Farmville and I do not want to play Candy Crush. I’m trying to leave them back in 2010 like the rest of us. so please stop sending me invitations,

Wonka knows

The ‘Selfie-taker’

They spend way too long getting ready already, but still somehow have enough free time for a mini fucking photo shoot, normally with their built-in webcams (standards, please.)

Thing is, no one actually looks at those photos and thinks, ‘Wow, look how hot they are’, they think ‘Fuck, they’ve got a lot of free time, probably because they don’t have a boyfriend.’ Truth hurts.

Retro selfie

The one who plays hard to get

This person somehow missed the memo that Facebook now shows when your message has been read, and that reading a Facebook message and not replying is genuinely a form of rejection.

No one enjoys rejection.

Brutal

The ‘Wall Poster’

Look, no one wants to read your mundane ramblings on each other’s walls. The only things it tells people are that you want your conversation to be read, you want people to know you’re friends and you want a significant guy to read this post, hope its about him, and contact you to tell you he’s thinking about you.

I hate to break it to you. Not. Going. To. Happen.

Pipe down, Venkatesh

Debater

I may be no expert, but I’m pretty sure that Mark Schmuckerberg didn’t intend Facebook to be used for arguing controversial opinions and having debates won and lost on the number of likes that the comments get.

If you feel so strongly about something that you’re willing to post an incredibly long status about said issue, get off your arse, stand up from behind your beaten keyboard and do something about it. No one ever became PM because of a status update.

Shots fired

The ‘Emotional wreck’

Constantly posting pictures of Durham Cathedral with song lyrics or some bullshit quote like ‘if you always say no, you’ll never say yes’, these people will pour their hearts out if it’ll get them a few likes.

Keep your emotions for real life, not for wanky pictures.

Profound…

The ‘Hashtagger’

That person who loves a hashtag. Or two. Or ten.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind the occasional hashtag. I understand it’s a trend (just like LOL was when we were 13), but when the photo caption is full of ‘#boy #girl  #boyandgirl #sun #sunshine #walk’, it’s #just #really #really #annoying.

Bit inapropro..

The ‘TLI’

Too little information: that person who makes posts about their current situation but doesn’t want to talk about it when you ask them. Possibly the worst form of attention seeking, by making their statuses vague they’re trying to appeal to the widest variety of people possible.

Otherwise known as ‘the like slut’.

We get it Becky, you’re having a rough time

The Grammar Police

However annoying misuse of spelling may be, don’t be an arsehole, just let it pass by under the radar like everyone else does. If you are really so irritated by it, delete your incompetent friend and live a happy life of pedantry.

Dis iz so kl

The Promoter

Lured in by a rogue friend request, you’re now bombarded with events and promos, some of which aren’t even from Durham. Of course, you would delete them, but FOMO is a powerful force and you couldn’t bear it if everyone knew about a new Reggae Ska night in Newcastle and you weren’t involved.

‘How did I even end up here?’