How to survive Freshers’ Flu
Truly worse than the bubonic plague
Ah, Freshers’ Flu, that cunning devil. You’re merrily muddling through you’re first term when BLAM! You’ve been struck down by Freshers’ Flu. Your nose is running, your throat feel like it’s been sandpapered by an especially aggressive builder, your head is thumping. Could be a hangover, but no, it’s lasted several days now, you’re definitely ill. In this trying time let me suggest a few ways to survive.
Step 1: Phone your Mum
An integral part of being ill is phoning your parents to have a good moan about it. And then refusing to follow any of the advice they give you about how to get better, and just telling them they don’t understand how hard it is being ill in Cambridge. Yes Mum, I know you told me to have a flu jab but it was £8 and I’m not an 80-year-old woman. Now is not the time for “I told you so”, just be nice to me, please.
Step 2: Feel sorry for yourself
You’re not skipping lectures out of laziness, it’s because you’re sick, okay. It’s definitely valid to stay in bed for a runny nose, isn’t it? And anyway, resting makes you heal faster so then you’ll be back to lectures sooner. That’s only logical. And sure, your room looks a bit like a tornado of tissues and Lemsip hit it but you can’t be expected to tidy when you feel this bad. And yeah, that essay was indeed a bit rushed but you can’t be expected to focus when you’re this dreadfully ill.
Step 3: Buy “nourishing” food
Your Gran said something about feeding a cold and you have some distant memory of being given these foods as a child when you were ill but now your fridge is full of nothing but chicken soup, Lucozade and satsumas and you aren’t actually sure if it’s possible to live off those alone. After a mug of honey and lemon tea you remember just how much you hate all the foods you just bought. Oh well, looks like you’re ordering Deliveroo again, but you’re ill, so you deserve a treat, right??
Step 4: Medicate
Forget this nourishing food and facial steaming rubbish, it’s time to bring out the big guns. You march into Boots with a bag for life and stock up on tissues, cold and flu medication, cough sweets and throat spray. For the next few days everywhere you go your pockets are leaking Strepsils and Kleenex. Actually that’s a lie, they’re bulging Sainsbury’s own brand cough sweets and those ‘super soft’ tissues in the blue packets.
Step 5: Martyr yourself
Hm, maybe that was too much resting. Better go and sit in a prominent seat in the library from which you can cough loudly every five minutes while you do your work. These coughing fits should be as dramatic as humanly possible, props to you if you cough so much that your eyes start watering. This is 100 per cent justifiable behaviour because when you are suffering it is important to make your entire college/subject know about it (they’ll love you for this, I guarantee). As a bonus you can leave germs on the desks so everyone else gets ill too and then you won’t be alone in your misery!
Step 6: Get trashed
No guys, I’d better not come out, I’m feeling really ill. Well okay, I’ll just come to pres then. An hour later and you’re absolutely binned in Cindies, still coughing violently until you’ve infected the whole club. Was this wise? No. But whatever, the term’s only eight weeks, you can always recover once you get home.
Freshers flu hits us all, but don’t forget you’ll probably be fine in a week and back at it!