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The six different Facebook profiles you’ll encounter at Cambridge

Desperately waiting to know which type of facebooker you are? Stress no longer.

Cambridge Uni is home to an assortment of people, much like a box of Celebrations, whereby you may come across a Maltesers Teaser, or, regrettably a Bounty. Meeting people from varying backgrounds and cultures (Scottish people can drink their wee hearts out), with different habits and characteristics has heightened my experience as of yet (what a fresher sentence). However, what is certainly more intriguing than anything else is the plethora of facebookers (admittedly, a questionable statement). Let’s discuss.

The Keeno
Everybody knows that person who bloody loves Facebook. They love everything about it. Not only do they complete every Buzzfeed quiz they come across but they subsequently share the results as if we all care about which breakfast condiment they are. Yes Susan, I’ve always had an inkling that you may be a hybrid of Mayonnaise and Brown Sauce.

However, a Keeno’s eagerness perhaps shines brightest on a night out. It's 00:34 and you are approaching the bar to get another drink. Social ineptness kicks in so you decide to look at your phone as if you are busy engaging in some urgent emails that need attending to, when really you’re scrolling through your social media. To your surprise/horror/confusion, a group picture from pres has surfaced the web from one of your friends – it's been 1 hour and they are already informing the interweb about their evening out. Why? Tell me why? I don’t generally post on Facebook so I can’t relate – are they seeking approval? is Facebook an art form to them? (then fair enough, I’m a THeSp so can appreciate). It’s a commitment and to be fair I commend them on their ability to utilise their phone, let alone social media, after pres.

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Posted around 11pm-1am: commitment to the art of Facebook.

The Narcissist

See above but when they are home alone.

Oreo without the filling
‘What is an oreo without the filling’? Excellent question. This describes a person who has Facebook but their latest post or tagged post (excluding profile pics) is of them in 2010 channelling problematic leg warmers and fluorescent glasses. I must ask again – why? When I started doing a routinely stalk of my fellow freshers I realised I was quick to make assumptions, some call it judgmental, I call it pragmatic. I assumed this person didn’t leave their house – how wrong am I! They just don’t care about social media in a cool-vegan-organic-gluten-free-like manner.

Line segment that joins two vertices
This is the definition of an edge (MathsIsFun, 2017) (say no to plagiarism). In other words, edgy people who treat Facebook as a canvas for fun/laughter/art/i-am-coolness. Their cover photo is either a funky edit, a Renaissance painting, or just a shutterstock image of penne pasta. You ask them “why” to which they usually reply “why not” or “banter”. These people probably did a gap yar and found themselves either on a beach in Cambodia or doing an art foundation.

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exhibit C

Theresa Cameron

(see what I did there? That, my friends, is what I like to call politics). Yes. Politics. A classic. During the election I could barely find a single cute baby video or food porn on my timeline as everything was election-based. Don’t get me wrong, I think it's great as it encourages teenagers to educate themselves about the political climate (god that got deep). But, everybody knows their Facebook MP – usually an HSPS student. These people LOVE to share politically fuelled memes and slate the Daily Mail. They show no interest in Kardashian updates (despite impatiently waiting to find out if Kylie really is pregnant) and just want to express their opinion on Russia’s involvement in a small local US election with the orange man off the apprentice.

The adult
This is a personal favourite. If you EVER need cheering up look up your old school teachers or friends’ parents and just read the comments on their profile pictures. For some reason they seem to mistake Facebook for Messenger and organise coffee meet-ups and catching up about their children and divorces. example:

Janine Smith has posted a picture of her standing over a cliff face wearing sunglasses and an anorak.
Kathy Richards comments: “Wow so gorgeous!! xxx Must catch up soon for coffee or something with the kids. I’m around during Chrimby! Doctors on 22nd for Timmy by free other than that. K x"

These are the best people, as they don’t have a single social media qualm and just go nuts when given a keyboard.

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2 years ago – this has seriously stuck with me

Special mentions…
The Conspiracy theorist
– The star-sign/fortune teller freak

The Gamer who insistently invites friends to play Candy Crush or Farmville (#tbt).

The Drama King/Queen, found commenting “I CAN’T BREATH” and "HAHAHAHAHHAHHAHA" or posting statuses such as “Can’t deal with shit anymore” and then posting next “Can people stop popping up”.

Went to one yoga class and now posts inspiring quotes and pictures of rocks in the formation of a heart.

Indeed, Facebook users’ posts range from meaningless, yet entertaining nonsense, to impassioned and relevant material. Terrific and terrifying all in one – Kim K’s nudes neighbouring politically charged speeches seems to me, (*cue deep ending*), an accurate representation of today’s society.