Which Christmas song is your college?

Bad luck if you’re at Ho-Ho-Homerton.

Cantab Christmas University of Cambridge

Chances are, Bridgemas passed you by in an avalanche of deadlines and breakdowns.

If you’re anything like me, the extent of your celebrations was turning up to a Christmas formal (which probably felt pretty much like a normal formal only with loads of paper hats). But now, thank fuck, it’s the end of term – and what better way to mark it than by combining some festive musical cheer with a healthy dose of college stereotype?

King’s – Silent Night

Consistently voted the public’s no.1 Christmas carol, ‘Silent Night’ is obviously the King’s College of the music world: a little bit cliché, but popular with people who don’t know any better. (Though good luck getting an actual silent night with all the noise from those hammers and sickles).

Trinity – Santa Baby

Santa Baby, fill my stocking with a duplex and checks,

Sign your ‘x’ on the line,

Santa Baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight.

Bet Santa regrets inviting the squad to so many £14.30 formals now…

We won't be smiling when the bills are sent out.

We won’t be smiling when the bills are sent out.

St. John’s – The Twelve Days of Christmas

If you too want to boast that on the seventh day of Christmas your true love gave you seven swans a-swimming, you should probably start dating a Johnian fellow. Best keep an eye on them though – they’ll definitely use their privilege to try and eat your present once the turkey has all gone.

Girton – Do They Know it’s Christmas?

Seriously though: what with the differing time zones, Christmas probably comes two weeks later at Girton. (Oh come on, at least I didn’t go for the Pretenders’ “2000 Miles”).

Maybe Girton is like Narnia - it's always winter but never Christmas.

Maybe Girton is like Narnia – it’s always winter but never Christmas.

Robinson – All I Want For Christmas Is You(r Application)

Another year of interviews comes to a close, and all Robinson wants is someone who didn’t make an open application.

Churchill – Last Christmas

Sure, last Christmas you may have given your heart to King’s or Christ’s, but the very next day they flung it into the winter pool and it was good old Churchill who fished you out.

Jesus – Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Seems like Rudolph wasn’t the only one with a chip on his shoulder about being too red – I’m pretty sure I remember reading that Jesus (the college, not the man) was once smeared in animal shit to soften the brash colour of its bricks.

The College of the Blessed Virgin Mary, Saint John the Evangelist, the glorious Virgin Saint Radegund, and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.

The College of the Blessed Virgin Mary, Saint John the Evangelist, the glorious Virgin Saint Radegund, and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

Sidney Sussex – We Wish You a Merry Christmas

Like a group of carol singers constantly plaguing the doorstep of Sainsbury’s, Sidney Sussex seems a little too wholesome and smiley. It may look cute from the outside, but you can bet there’ll be trouble if they don’t get that figgy pudding.

Magdalene – I’m Dreaming of a White (Tie) Christmas

In the absence of a 1988 Christmas banger entitled “I Believe in Father Christmas (But Not in Women’s Rights)”, I suppose that this one will have to do.

Homerton – Driving Home for Christmas

Only joking, you’ll be walking everywhere now the bus service has stopped.

Corpus Christi – Little Donkey

Small and sweet, yet easily overlooked, Corpus is the college that seems to come plodding along after all of the others.

Eeyore-pus Christi (I regret nothing)

Eeyore-pus Christi (I regret nothing)

Queen’s – The Twelve Days of Christmas

Okay so St John’s has already grabbed this one, the selfish bastards, but what else is appropriate for a college with the most complex bridge in Cambridge? After all, it probably requires a higher level of maths to remember whether it’s six or nine ladies dancing than it does to work out how that bridge was built.

Peterhouse – The First Nowell

They’re the oldest and they won’t let you forget it. At least, they wouldn’t if they ever had anything to do with the rest of us.

Selwyn – Santa Claus is Coming to Town

Cowering in the shadow of the UL, which sees them while they’re sleeping and knows if they’re awake, Selwyn students feel the pressure to be good more than anyone.

Festive as fuck.

Festive as fuck.

Tit Hall – I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

With a library looking straight out onto Orgasm Bridge, I’m not sure I want to know what else Tit Hall students have seen.

Medwards – A Spaceman Came Travelling

One look at the dome and he felt right at home.

Fitzwilliam – When Santa Got Stuck Up the Chimney

When he tries to see if he ‘fitz’ after one too many mince pies… (I would say that’s an indication that my New Year’s resolution should be to work on my pun game, but my sister actually came up with that one #blameless).