Tab guide to etiquette: Clubbing

How to make it seem like you know how to eat, sleep, rave, and repeat.


Exams are over, Bumps too, and May Week has begun so learn good clubbing etiquette for dance tents, or clubs if you’re not going to a ball.

DON’T harass the DJ. The DJ is probably as interested in what you have to say as Putin is in Ukraine’s sovereignty.

DO get up and dance like nobody is watching. Unless you’re a big deal, nobody is going to even know who you are so use your anonymity to dance. Mind you, if you’re there when someone is walking around chewing on the end of a cigar, instead of smoking it, you’re not going to be the biggest fool that night no matter how badly you dance.

DON’T drink yourself into being a liability for your friends. You don’t want to be that guy who never makes it to the club because they are taken home by porters in a wheelchair.

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If clubbing isn’t your Jam, Edge on the side of caution.

DO be polite to the bouncers. You’re probably just annoying when drunk (there’s a reason why Tab TV targets you post-Cindies) so be extra nice to the club porters to prevent any hassle.

DON’T steal other people’s drinks, especially not if you’re going to have to fish it from the back of their throat with your tongue.

DO avoid stepping on other people’s feet whilst dancing. It is toetally unacceptable to do this, and whilst not stepping on anyone all night is no mean feet, please step up to the challenge.

Also, don't take your dad clubbing.

Also, don’t take your dad clubbing.

DON’T move past kissing on the dance floor. Dance floors are already a sickening mixture of sticky and slimy without you adding any fluids to it.

DON’T kiss for too long. Just because you’re having a kiss in “Life”, does not mean it has to become the kiss of life. Please stop giving each other mouth to mouth resuscitation on the dance floor.

DON’T feel obliged to get a VK. Drink what you really want to, not what society oppresses you to drink. It’s OK not to VK. Fuck the VKtriarchy.

Drinking what they want to. Easy ladies, the one on the left is married.

Drinking what they want to. Easy ladies, the one on the left is married.

DON’T take advantage of people who are drunk. In case the consent workshops didn’t get through to you and you still think it’s okay to encourage people to drink more so they’ll be “more in the mood” to have sex with you; no. Just no.

DON’T bum cigarettes or drinks from people. You’re already at university, and borrowing money from the taxpayer to fund your studies and therefore a drain on society. Don’t make it worse by begging others for cigarettes.

DO take someone who is too drunk to care for themselves back to their college. If you find someone who is too drunk then take them to their college porters and say something like “I believe this is one of yours”.

DON’T put things in people’s drinks. More a legal matter than an etiquette one, but some people still haven’t got the message. Don’t drug people.

DO use antiperspirant, and try to stay unsweaty. Whilst it may be an effective tactic to generate dance floor space, and be able to slide your way through crowds, please take a few moments out in the smoking area to cool down and avoid impersonating a slug.

DO queue to get to the bar. It’s clearly time to #VoteLeave as this country is losing its national identity – nobody understands how a good queue works anymore!

Go out and enjoy your May Week clubbing. Practice getting drunk off your face now, so that in Mich Term Tab TV can ridicule you when you stumble out of Cindies.