Stuart Brown’s guide to Freshers’ Week
Savvy tips from the face of disapointment, Stuart Brown
Hi guys, it’s Stuart Brown; comedian, lover, and all-around personality.
When I’m not appearing in comedy smokers, viral Youtube videos and your mother’s bed (wreeeey) I’m shooting out valuable nuggets of wisdom about how to get the most out of your first few weeks of university, or as I like to call it, uni.
Without further to do, have a look at my lovely tips.
1. At all times remain fresh.
One of the most overlooked aspect of being a Fresher is indeed being fresh. Don’t make an idiot of yourself, please make sure you remain at least 80% fresh at all times.
2. Don’t fall in the river.
Ever since James Bay’s hit “Hold Back the River” made it big in the charts earlier this year, rivers all over the country have received a massive surge in popularity. But don’t be fooled by the folky tones of this hatted upstart, rivers are very much a dangerous proposition! Hold Back ‘From’ the River, more like! Seriously, don’t fall in! DON’T MAKE AN IDIOT OF YOURSELF!
3. Don’t talk to Compscis/weirdys.
After having a lovely crepe, I walked outside to find myself face to face with one of these computer bumsnatchers. That is if you can even call that a face, looks to me more like a sad bag. Being a man of exceeding manners, I humoured the fellow for a good twenty mins. The weirdy just kept talking in binary, you know, 1’s and 0’s and the like, and I had no idea what was going on. This isn’t the bloody Matrix mate. AVO1D!
4. Remember to eat!
In between all the fun you’ll be having- as far away from the river as possible- you must remember to eat. You can eat at places such as McDonald’s (in exchange for cash), hospital waiting rooms, or my personal favourite, Gardenia’s, the Greek diner. The surprising thing about Gardenia’s is that the menu is actually composed in dactylic hexameter, and details a short episode of the ten-year siege of Troy in which King Agamemnon and the warrior Achilles feud over a kebab or something. I don’t know, I might have got a bit mixed up here. Sing, O Muse, of tasty food at affordable prices!
5. Get in shows.
If you have a talent for the theatrics and/or are an English student, get yourself down to the ADC Bar and start mingling with all the nice, talented people who go there! The people at the ADC are so nice and talented, you’ll immediately feel right at home! I love the ADC! 🙂 x (P.S. can I be in a smoker now?)
6. Don’t get too sad.
When you try your best, but you don’t succeed. When you get what you want, but not what you need. When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep. Stuck in reverse? Then you, my friend, have a clinical case of the sads! The Cambridge term can be very stressful, so remember to be kind to yourself, take regular breaks while exercising, and don’t hit those books too hard, especially if they’re hardbacks!
If none of this advice is working, and if you’re still feeling sad between the 29th and 31st of October at 9:30pm, then why not come down to the Pembroke New Cellars for a good ol laugh with Quinoa, a new sketch show? I know I would!
Happy Freshers everyone, and seriously, stay away from that fucking river!