These are the types of people you’ll come across before the Election

Your vote counts

national noad

The Election makes everyone unbearable — but it would be wrong to say that all are unbearable in the same way.

Here is the definitive list of the range of different types of intolerable political opinions you’ll come across in the run up to May 7th.

Hot-headed lefties

Pavey 1

The person who you’ve seen tagged in Labour Club and protest photos throughout your degree. Now is the time to steer clear of this person at all costs.

You already know what they’re going to say, and the chances are their opinions will be pretty inflexible. But if you feel up to some healthy heated debate, playing devil’s advocate with this group is an enjoyable entertainment.

Greens with Tory parents

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The person who changes their cover photo in support of the Green Party. Their parents are probably both Tory MPs – this is simply a loose cover up.

They Facebook share whatever Natalie Bennett has been up to (except her car crash interview) and incessantly write indignant statuses about what our consumption of beef is doing to the environment. A hardcore supporter, their legitimacy is earned.

Politics student bores

Ed-Wise

The person who claims to know everything about everything election-related. They probably do Politics. Or History or English. They feel they have to exert the full weight of their knowledge in the most ostentatious way possible to make up for the fact their degree is deemed inferior to a science one.

They see times of political turbulence as a prime opportunity to confidently display, often in unwanted contexts, everything they know about civil service puppetry, quangos and the array of voting systems they prefer to first past the post.

Hapless Tories

Pavey 3

The person with three country houses. They’ll obviously vote Tory but they’re probably not sure why. They have been subject to a consistent pro-Conservative party doctrine from their parents, made up of words such as “strong economy”, “wealth protection” and “inheritance”.

These are the type of people who will drunkenly admit to avoiding public transport, state schools and the NHS due to these respective institutions’ plebeian associations.

Intellectual Tories

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Posed by model, this man is not actually a Tory

The banker of tomorrow, wanker of today. They walk around laptop in hand, wearing thick-rimmed glasses and probably a signet ring. Unlike the above category, they believe their defiantly right-wing leanings were cultivated purely as a result of their own intellectual capability.

They feel they have strongly grounded research based evidence for their own brand of Thatcherism after watching hours upon hours of Sky News and Conservative party conference footage.

Anti-voter type one

Pavey 4

The person who doesn’t plan on voting – type one. They simply don’t care and don’t know anything about politics or the election. At a push they might be encouraged to trot down to the polling station in May and put a half-hearted tick in a half-hearted box, but generally, they don’t really give many fucks.

Anti-voter type two

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The person who doesn’t plan on voting – type two. They’ve watched far too many Russell Brand videos and they consider themselves to be quite the anarchist.

They feel disillusioned with party politics but they don’t have any feasible or tangible ideas as to how we can change this, so identify their biggest form of activism as being enthusiastically…apathetic.